I am not a big crier. I shed tears, if I had to guess, every few months or so. But my best friend? She cries at everything: Movies, love songs, memories, how adorable our dogs are—and, of course, during arguments. I know this because we lived together for years. We occasionally bickered, as roommates do, about dishes, bills, the volume of the TV at night, and how much we cranked up the AC during the summer. These conversations often resulted in tears (hers, not mine).
I found this reaction…confusing, since our disagreements often felt like no big deal to me. Why did suggesting she pay for our Uber ride (since, ya know, it was her turn) send her tear ducts into a tailspin? I’ve since learned that some people simply cry more easily than others. Confrontation, in general, brings up intense emotions, Molly Burrets, PhD, a clinical psychologist and adjunct professor of marriage and family therapy at USC, tells SELF—and some of us are just more triggered and overwhelmed by, say, a raised voice, direct tone, or slight criticism, Dr. Burrets says.
If you can relate and you’re fed up with not being able to get through a disagreement without breaking down, know this: It’s absolutely possible to cry less when shit hits the fan. Not that you even need to. But hey, if you want to, we’re here to make your dream of bickering with clear eyes and dry cheeks a reality.
Here’s why you start crying as soon as the vibe gets tense.
To be clear: There’s nothing wrong with crying. In fact, it’s a completely natural and normal physiological response to tense situations. “When you perceive a threat or experience high stress, your body reacts with tears as a way to release tension,” Dr. Burrets explains—which is why you feel so much better after a good cry.
Crying is also how your body copes with emotional overload, or that feeling when sensations like sadness, joy, and anger become too much to deal with. At a certain point, you feel the need to let go and release those simmering emotions (cue the waterworks). But that tipping point—that moment when you can’t hold it in anymore—varies significantly from person to person, Dr. Burrets says. Some people, like my friend, are more sensitive to the build-up of emotions and well up with tears as soon as they feel a splash of frustration or sorrow.
If you’re an easy crier, that can also be a sign that you have a hard time processing and communicating your emotions, she adds. This might be because your family avoided conflict when you were growing up or you were reprimanded for talking about your feelings, or, for whatever reason, you just feel ashamed or embarrassed expressing yourself. These deeper-seated issues can make it tough to find words that accurately capture what you’re experiencing, according to Dr. Burrets. “As a result, crying can be a form of nonverbal communication,” she says.
How to prevent yourself from crying a river whenever you’re faced with conflict.
Even though crying is natural and healthy, you might wind up in situations where you want to reel it in. Perhaps you get choked up when you butt heads with your partner or your tears prevent you from having constructive conversations with your roommates. Maybe you’re just fed up with your eyes being red and puffy all the time when you bicker with your mom.