Emotions play a pivotal role in fostering a healthy connection in relationships. But emotions can be misused and turned into weapons too. Sometimes, they’re used to control and manipulate others.
In my book, 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do, I share the dangers of using emotions as weapons. Sometimes these behaviors are subtle–like shedding a few tears to guilt a partner to do something differently. At other times emotional manipulation crosses into abuse–such as using angry outbursts to control someone’s behavior.
Examples of Emotional Weapons
Emotional weaponization refers to the conscious or unconscious use of emotions to manipulate, control, or change a partner. It may include behaviors such as:
- Guilt tripping. This involves making their partner feel guilty for expressing their needs or setting boundaries. It could include things like, “If you loved this, you would do this for me,” or, “You’re being selfish for saying no.”
- Silent treatment. A classic tactic where one partner stops communicating to punish or control the other. The silence often creates anxiety and uncertainty, and often compels the other person to comply.
- Emotional outbursts. Using anger or tears to divert attention from the issue at hand is a common emotional weapon. The manipulator may say things like, “I can’t control my temper,” or “You know I can’t talk about this. It’s just too upsetting.”
- Blaming. The manipulator may blame their partner for making them upset and or for giving them anxiety. They don’t take responsibility for managing their emotions.
- Avoiding. It’s common for people to use their emotions as a weapon so they can avoid talking about relationship issues or they can escape doing things they don’t want to do. A manipulator may say things like, “You know I can’t do the dishes. I have to relax after dinner because I have anxiety.”
Examples of an Emotional Battlefield
There are many ways emotional weapons may be used in relationships–and they can be used in all types of relationships, not just in romantic ones. Here are some examples:
- A mother says to her child, “If you loved me, you’d clean your room and not make your tired mother do it for you after working all day.”
- A father stops talking to his teenage daughter for a week because she lied about being with friends–when she was really on a date.
- A man tells his partner he’s incapable of making phone calls because he has anxiety. He makes no attempts to work on his anxiety and insists she schedule all appointments and do other things for him that he’s actually capable of doing for himself.
- A woman cries every time her partner brings up the budget. She says it’s too stressful to talk about money. Yet, she refuses to curb her spending habits.
- Someone gets upset every time her friend declines to spend time with her. She raises her voice and calls the friend selfish for making her be alone and says it’s evidence the friend doesn’t care about her.
How Weaponized Emotions Affect Relationships
The use of emotions as weapons harms relationships. It can also affect the well-being of each individual too. Here are a few consequences that occur when someone uses their emotions as a weapon:
- Erosion of trust. There’s a loss of trust that occurs when emotions are weaponized. Someone might think, “How can I tell you what I need if you’re going to insist I should feel guilty?” or “We can’t resolve our problems because if I bring up an issue, my partner is going to start crying loudly and insist I’m causing pain.” Healthy communication, conflict resolution, and emotional intimacy become impaired.
- Emotional exhaustion. The constant need to navigate emotional minefields can leave the manipulated partner feeling drained and stressed. They may feel like they’re constantly walking on eggshells as they try to keep the other person happy.
- Reduced self-esteem. Over time, being on the receiving end of manipulation can lead to self-doubt and reduced confidence. The individual might question their own feelings or behaviors and neglect their own needs in an effort to focus on the other person’s needs.
Recognizing and Addressing Emotional Manipulation
Recognizing emotional manipulation is the first step towards addressing it. Sometimes it’s subtle. The person in question may have genuine problems regulating emotion or they may not have any malicious intent. It may simply be a learned behavior.
Here are some ways you might recognize if your partner is using their emotions as weapons:
- Identify patterns. Reflect on interactions and identify recurring patterns of behavior where you ultimately feel guilty, anxious, or controlled.
- Establish boundaries. Identify boundaries that you are going to set–like ending a conversation where the other person tries to make you feel guilty for saying no. Consistent boundary-setting ensures that emotional weapons aren’t effective.
- Seek support. Talk to someone about what’s going on. If you have access to professional help, engage with a therapist to develop strategies for dealing with emotional weapons.
- Practice assertiveness. In some cases, saying things like, “I know this is upsetting but I’d like to develop a plan to work on this issue,” shows that you’re not giving up just because the other person is starting to cry.
A strong relationship is built on mutual respect, understanding, and genuine emotional connection. If you have a habit of using your emotions as weapons, you may benefit from learning new skills that help you get your needs met. If you’ve been on the receiving end of emotional manipulation, setting boundaries may help–and you may benefit from getting professional help.