There’s nothing like a great connection with someone, but when a relationship ends it can be hurtful, leaving you endlessly searching “How to Get Over Someone.” Maybe even worse, if it never begins in the way that we want it to, getting over an unrequited love is just as hard.
So what does one do to get over someone? And why does it hurt so dang much, no matter the length or situation? “In romantic relationships, we form deep attachment bonds. Our brain and body goes into a state of shock when that connection is severed,” says Amy Chan, author of Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart and host of the Breakup Bootcamp Podcast. “The breakup can trigger a chemical response in the brain that makes you feel intense withdrawal—feelings of anxiety, deep sadness, and even panic.” So, no, you’re not exaggerating — even when you’re not with someone, getting over someone (and a broken heart) can be a painful experience.
Thankfully, it doesn’t always have to be so painful. And there are steps to make it a bit better, day by day. We talked to Chan and Dr. Paulette Sherman, psychologist, author of Dating from the Inside Out, and host of The Love Psychologist podcast to give real expert advice on how to get over a crush, an ex, or something in between.
1. Let Yourself Grieve
First thing’s first: Now’s the time to cry. (Or to scream. Or to just be sad.) “My biggest tip for how to get over a breakup is two fold: Give yourself lots of unconditional love, self-care and empathy; and, also, let yourself cry and grieve that lost attachment,” says Dr. Sherman. “This will help you to remember you are still loveable and it will help you express your pain, and grieve so you do not carry baggage with you.”
No matter your relation to the person of your affections—unrequited, situationship, relationship, or something else entirely—there’s a mourning period of what was maybe once, but is no more. You’re meant to grieve these things. “You’re not only grieving the end of a relationship, you’re grieving a part of your identity, the friendship, the future…” says Chan, who notes that if it’s a true breakup and you shared a friend group, you might also be grieving some friendships and community as well. “That’s a lot to handle emotionally, and can feel overwhelming. It’s important to know that while the intensity of feelings might be overwhelming at first, it does get better as you take care of yourself, nurture your heart, and as you surround yourself with friends and family who support you.”
2. Feel All Your Feelings
It’s important to remember that whatever your relationship status with your ex, your feelings were valid — and you’re going to need to process. “Ironically, fast-tracking the healing of a broken heart requires processing the feelings,” says Chan. “This means, you must allow yourself to feel the emotions without judgment. You let it move through you and let it pass. When we resist the emotions, they get stuck. Resistance looks like distraction, avoidance, and minimizing. When emotions are stuck, they eventually release in some way, often without your conscious control and they often accumulate into ‘baggage’ which you carry with you to your next relationship.” Lose the baggage and feel.
3. Realize It Wasn’t a Failure
“The biggest misconception is that the end of a relationship means it’s a failure,” says Chan. “Relationships are here to help us become more conscious. Each one teaches us valuable lessons, sometimes about understanding what we don’t want so we can make space for what we do want. The duration of a relationship does not determine its success. If you tried, shared love, and learned, then that relationship, regardless of its duration or ending, was a success.”
4. Avoid Vilifying the Other Person
Dr. Sherman notes that one of the biggest logical fallacies when it comes to ending a relationship or trying to get over someone is that there has to be a bad guy or bad person. “Sometimes people are incompatible, have differing values or visions or they have learned or accomplished what they were meant to do together. In those break ups, it is just a natural evolution and partners can still like and respect each other,” she says.