How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m bisexual, and I’m happily married to a man. That said, I do feel the occasional desire to sleep with another woman. I haven’t yet, but I’m contemplating asking my husband to open up the marriage. My idea is that I would only be allowed to sleep with women. I think it might work because the biological underpinnings of male jealousy wouldn’t be there in this situation, when I’m not sleeping with another man.
But I’m torn because he’s straight and I wouldn’t really feel comfortable opening it up for with other women, too. I guess I’m jealous! Do you think this arrangement could work? I’m scared to bring it up lest it ruin our relationship.
—Curious
Dear Curious,
An arrangement like that which you describe could work, but it really depends on the parties involved. Some partners may agree to your terms, putting your desires before theirs (if, in fact, they want to have sex outside the relationship). Others may even be into the idea, and be turned on by you exploring.
Plenty of people might also think, “No fair!,” and shut down the idea on sight. You may need to negotiate. How, for example, would you feel about having sex with a woman with your husband? There are couples with only-play-together clauses in their agreement. Sometimes being able to see one’s partner in action is all it takes to assuage one’s anxieties about hooking up with someone else. For others, being present is the worst possible scenario for openness. Figuring this out may require several discussions with your husband, and perhaps some trial and error.
It’s good that you’re thinking strategically, but keep in mind that your husband could theoretically get jealous of any of your partners, regardless of their gender. He could also get jealous of you, getting to have all that extracurricular fun, while he’s barred from having any. You may have good reason to be scared to bring this up (if, for example, your partner is particularly insecure, or if he has said in the past that non-monogamy is a dealbreaker).
But if there’s nothing concrete that is making you feel this way, only supposition, I think you’ll find that just bringing up the possibility shouldn’t do too much to sway what you’ve been building, provided you have a sturdy foundation. If you introduce this topic of conversation with a desire to explore and hear what he has to say on the matter, you may get further than if you sit him down and tell him, “Here’s how it’s going to be …” A gentle approach can work wonders. Tell him exactly what you want, ask how he feels about it, and see where you can meet in the middle.
Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I have been married for about 15 years and have three children under the age of 12. We have a great family life—we’re very active and present in our children’s lives and we do a lot as a family. My wife is a fantastic mother. But to be honest, we have no passion or excitement in our relationship, and we haven’t for the last three years. We kiss each other goodbye when we leave the house and kiss each other goodnight, but that’s about it. Our sex life totally dropped off after our third child was born.
She had postpartum depression with each of the children and she has gone to therapy, which I believe has helped. We have talked about how we have grown distant in the bedroom (it’s been over a year since we have done anything sexual), but she says the kids just tire her out. I realize the pandemic created more stress, but looking back on the last three years, I think we only had sex five times. Even when we were our most sexually active, we only had sex twice a month.
It bothers me that she prioritizes everything higher than our time together. I have tried to plan date nights and late-night movie nights while the kids are in bed, but she always says she has a headache from the stress of the day, or that something on her body hurts, like her wrist or ankles. She just wants to sleep. The irony is that when we talk about it, she states that she’s never turned me down, which is true. However, I get completely turned off (and how could I not be) when she says she’s in pain or discomfort from dealing with the kids or chores and expresses no interest. Honestly, the last two times we did have sex in the last two years, I didn’t even enjoy it since she was preoccupied with the kids’ schedule for the next day.
Is this just normal for a marriage with three young kids? We are averaging sex once a year and I don’t see that improving. At this point, I have no interest in having sex with her anymore because of the constant reasons and distractions that prevent us from being intimate. I don’t like that she is completely fine not having sex, but we also haven’t explicitly said that part of the relationship was over. I don’t want a divorce and I guess I can just be content with masturbation, but in the end, I don’t see how this can be good for our marriage. When the kids are grown, I worry we will be at best just “friends” or worse, realize we need more than just this platonic marriage and then divorce.
—Marriage Without Intimacy
Dear Marriage Without Intimacy,
It’s not unusual for a parent to be so devoted to her children that all else is relegated to a lower tier of priorities, but your relationship is an extreme example of how child-rearing may affect one’s sex life. Beyond that couched assurance, I’m not sure what you want here. You are turned off and haven’t particularly enjoyed the scant sex you have had in the past few years. You say that you don’t see it improving, and I have to agree: not with that attitude, you won’t. I think it’s time to ask yourself: Would saying out loud that part of the relationship is over provide you with the kind of solace that closure can? Or do you want to actually put in some effort here?
If it’s the latter, there’s quite a bit you can do. Firstly, extend some empathy. Your wife is tired. That’s not necessarily a reflection of anything more than the enormity of raising three kids. Do not take it personally. If your wife is overworked with child rearing, is there anything you can do to lighten her load? If you haven’t been contributing to that facet of your domestic life as much as she has, now’s the time. If it’s within your budget or you have social support, arrange for a babysitter, family member, or friend to watch the kids, and just gift her some time to herself. Let her be alone, if she wants. Often, people need time to reconnect with themselves before they feel like expressing themselves sexually. That’s hard to do when you’re parenting and wife-ing 24/7.
That said, the way things are right now, she may need you to take the reins sexually—if she hasn’t turned you down and she’s explicitly pointed that out, she may be telling you that she’s amenable to sex when you take the lead. You might need to be persistent and understanding, but her words could be indicating openness to you taking charge. This is worth clarifying with her though, as she may be going along for the ride—or just not asserting her boundaries.
In any case, a conversation here is in order. Additionally, you might also want to check out something like Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity, which details many strategies for reigniting a sex life that domesticity deflated. (Creating distance/mystery with someone you know beyond intimately is key, per Perel.)
If you’ve given up definitively, well, that’s on you. I understand that life is a feedback loop and we’re reacting to others’ reactions to our reactions … and the chain goes on. But! There’s quite a bit of blame toward your wife in your letter that doesn’t seem entirely fair to me. Take responsibility for your choices and know that if your drive is pushing you away from sex with your wife, well, you’re accountable for that, too, even if you believe that’s a product of her flagging drive. If nothing else, you should have that conversation with your wife that probes the question of whether that part of the relationship is over. Make it explicit and see what comes of it.
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Dear How to Do It,
I finally met my loved one in person, after years of being in a virtual relationship with him. I thought I had no expectations regarding our meeting. Obviously I was wrong—I found myself scrutinizing him from the very moment I saw him. I liked what I saw—it was better than expected. But I felt no spark, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s a sign of bad chemistry, or if we missed this stage altogether because of the years of separation. Maybe we grew out of the limerence while being apart? My body responds to him, but it feels like I’ve been next to him forever.
I might be overthinking it, and I might be too much in my head, but I am aching with the thought that we might not be “in love” anymore. I’m quite sure we both feel the same, because when we met, he wasn’t all over me like he said he would be.
Do you think it’s bad to feel no butterflies from the very beginning? I expected our getting together to be more intense given how attractive I find him and the years apart where I fantasized about it all the time. I have felt more with guys that I didn’t find so physically appealing. What do you think is going on here?
—Confused Overthinker
Dear Confused Overthinker,
Obviously, it’s very hard to say for certain just what is going on, as it’s wrapped up in feelings that aren’t quite understood by their owner (you). But something that I think is extremely common is the feeling of deflation when relationships move from virtual to IRL. In the former scenario, you are building a world in your head that’s based in reality but nonetheless relies on projecting a future dynamic. You have some information about your partner, but your mind is filling in the blanks. It has a particular tendency to do so regarding things that can only be properly gauged in person, like chemistry and other things related to sex. When reality eventually fails to live up to fantasy—a tall order, by any measure—the resulting disappointment is hardly unpredictable, but it can be devastating all the same.
I’m guessing that you were swept up in what could be, and so what actually is comes as a rude awakening. Your theory about having depleted your limerence in the time before you were actually together in the flesh is also plausible.
Now you should ask yourself what you want to do about it. This is someone that you refer to as your loved one, someone you are very attracted to. Does he have enough other positive qualities to make being with him worthwhile? Can you foster sexual energy together as a kind of group project? Or do you prefer to be with someone with whom the fireworks spontaneously combust? You’re “quite sure” you both feel the same, but his sexual reservation could have something to do with picking up on your less-than-enthusiastic vibes. You might just chalk this up to something that worked better in concept than in practice, but I think you should at least have a clarifying conversation before you call things off entirely. See if he’s feeling the same, and, even better, if he has any ideas as to what you can do about the disconnect you’re feeling.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
For the past year, my bisexual, non-binary partner has been complaining to my friends and family about the lack of sex we’re having. They claim it’s vanilla and boring, which really upsets me. When I do try to have sex with them, they reject me. Last night, they admitted that I cannot do all the things they’d like me to do, as I don’t have a penis, and they’re a bottom who prefers to be with men. I am an asexual cis woman. They are getting increasingly frustrated with our sex life, and my inability to be a man, and making sure everyone knows it, too. What should I do?