Silence your inner critic and embrace the failures that teach you how to win.
“We learn from failure, not from success.” – Bram Stoker
I consider myself to be something of an expert on failure. I’ve failed more times than I care to count, both in my personal life and my career. And some of my failures were truly epic.
All joking aside, failure is something we all experience at one level or another. And yet it’s something we try to avoid at all costs—despite its innate value to our journey toward achievement and fulfillment.
Generation Z in particular is afraid to fail. The educators I work with observe the growing numbers of students who find themselves stuck in the educational journey—scared to take a step in any direction lest they put a foot wrong. They’re so scared of making a mistake, of looking foolish or misguided or just plain lame, that they choose to do nothing. They don’t see that their inaction is a failure in itself.
And if we’re real, maybe it’s not just the kids. Nobody wants to put themselves out there making a public mistake. Most of us are our own worst critics, and that inner voice reliving all our worst performances is hard to drown out. Failure is embarrassing, discouraging and just all-around no fun.
But if we can get past the negative emotions associated with royally messing up, failure may actually turn out to be a gift. Here’s how it has furthered my journey toward success.
The value of failure
1. Failure gets our attention. Young people who fail after giving something their best effort experience a moment of heightened attention, during which their ability to adapt can be strengthened. We pay better attention once we’ve been jolted out of our confidence and forced to reflect on the subject more deeply. Because of this, failure can be an extremely effective way to learn.
2. Failure makes us relatable. The person who has never failed (or never allows their failures to be seen), is hard for the rest of us to connect with. When I address an audience of young people, I give them all the tools and strategies to succeed—and then tell the story of my own colossal failures. This reinforces the message that they can achieve anything they want, even if they’ve failed before.
3. Failure keeps us humble. Today I run a successful business, speak in front of thousands of people every year and travel extensively for business and pleasure. And I’m tremendously grateful that it wasn’t always this way. I find great value in remembering my tough times because it grounds me in reality and protects me from over-confidence. I hope my biggest life and career failures are behind me, but I’m not immune to failure just because I’ve had a measure of success. I need that gut check to keep learning the lessons that come from every failure or challenging moment. There are still many!
4. Failure pushes us to find a better way. Thomas Edison famously said, “I haven’t failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” In science, failed experiments are just as vital as successful ones because they provide insights we couldn’t get any other way. Every successful person has a long line of failures behind them. That’s how they reached success.
3 reasons we’re scared to fail
1. Social/family demands. A recent study of first‐year biology students revealed that the biggest reason these students were terrified of failing was societal and familial pressure. None of us want to disappoint the people we care about, or stick out like a sore thumb in the social circles we’re part of. All of us feel these pressures to some degree.
2. Our own unrealistic expectations. We live in a media-saturated world where the majority of the images, videos and stories we encounter online have been highly polished prior to being offered up for consumption. Almost everything we see has been put through some type of flattering filter, but we swallow it as if it’s the raw true thing. These unrealistic expectations discourage us from even trying, because at the gut level we instinctively know our efforts can’t produce the same results.
3. Failure costs something. Every failure has a price. Alongside all the things we can gain—like deeper learning, new ways of thinking, relatability, et cetera—we can easily lose whatever we invested in the failed effort. Time, confidence, energy, money, mental health, ego, reputation: whatever of value we put on the line may not come back to us. I think it’s right to acknowledge this, even while we try to see the bright side of falling flat on our face.
Overcoming the fear of failure
So if failure is not only valuable but also inevitable on the path to achievement, how can we get past the stigma and fear of failing? When you fail, follow these steps to extract the value from the experience:
1. Own it. Don’t pass the blame. The mark of a leader is being able to admit when you did something wrong. Remember we are usually our own harshest critics; others are rarely so hard on us as we are on ourselves. Taking responsibility is the action of a person who is actively growing and learning—and who is not content to keep making the same mistake. It’s also okay to let yourself grieve a bit. Just don’t get stuck there.
2. Analyze it. This is often a step charged with unpleasant emotions. None of us really wants to dwell on our mess-ups and the “could’ve/would’ve/should’ve” of our regrets. But if we don’t take the time to understand where we went wrong, there’s nothing to prevent us from repeating the error. This step is vital if we’re going to learn more from our mistakes than simple avoidance. Self-distancing can be one tactic to take some of the emotion out of the reflection process, and you can also try a self-compassion break.
3. Try again. Armed with the insights of your analysis, make a plan to rectify your mistakes and get back out there. Failure is a normal part of growth, but it can’t help you if you never make another attempt.
Favorite quotes on failure
I’d like to leave you with few quotes that inspire me to keep going after a failure.
“Failure is success in progress.” – Albert Einstein
“We learn from failure, not from success.” – Bram Stoker
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston Churchill
“Fear kills more dreams than failure ever will.” – Suzy Kassem
“You always pass failure on your way to success.” – Mickey Rooney
“The master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried.” – Stephen McCraine
“Mistakes are a fact of life. It is the response to error that counts.” – Nikki Giovanni
“Losers quit when they fail. Winners fail until they succeed.” – Robert T. Kiyosaki
“I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying.” – Michael Jordan
If we learn from it, failure may have incredible value on our journey toward success. Embrace the lessons of your mistakes, silence your inner critic and set yourself up to succeed next time.