I remember the internship I had at the end of my junior year in college. I was totally out of my depth working in logistics for the first time. I needed help even understanding the assignment, but I was painfully shy, and I didn’t know what to do when I got my first project. My manager was very senior and extremely busy, and it seemed like she was always out of the office. I knew I needed a lot of handholding, so I was in a bind.
I sat by myself in my cubicle, terrified, until finally I gathered my nerves and walked over to a team lead named Rusty, who reported to the same manager as I did. He had kids who were practically my age, and he’d worked for the company for over a decade, so I figured he knew just about everything. I remember how scared I was when I asked him for help.
Not once did he make it seem like I was a burden or an imposition. Instead, he patiently sat down and explained what to do. He became my mentor, all because I found the courage to approach him for a favor.
Not everybody is as open and easy to ask as Rusty, but I couldn’t have known what he was like if I hadn’t talked to him. What cracked open the door to him mentoring me was that I asked. I put myself out there, and he made that internship incredible.
Asking for favors, even small ones, can be intimidating, but taking the right approach can make the process easier—and boost your odds of getting that “yes.” Here are my tips on how to go about this.
Imagine that it’s really late at night, and you’re stranded somewhere with a flat tire. Who will you call? Who can you count on to get out of bed and be there to help you when you need it?
There are some people in your life who would do anything for you because they love and care for you. You probably have people you would do anything for because you care about them just as much. When someone you care about asks for a favor, you can’t help but want to say yes. It’s the natural reciprocation that’s part of a relationship.
A few months ago, a friend of mine had a critical issue that was make-or-break for his company. He asked me for a favor. I could sense his distress, so I reached out to a former colleague to see what they could do. In just a few days, they got him to a resolution. Thanks to the relationship we had built over the years, my friend was able to get his business back to growth.
All asks are received in the context of your relationship with the other person. The stronger your rapport is with someone, the more likely they’ll be to help you when you need it. That’s why the best way to ask a favor from someone is often to build that relationship first.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
In many of my talks, I encourage people to consider asking for a promotion. Or to reach out to find a mentor. Or to connect with somebody they don’t know but wish to learn something from.
The question everyone asks is, “What if they say no?”
My response is always, “What if they say yes?”
If you don’t ask, the answer will be no by default. It’s true that when you make the request, they might not say yes. But even then, what have you lost?
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. If you’re not prepared to hear a no, then you’re not ready for a yes, either. You have to put yourself out there to get what you want.
My daughter Bethany took on a project: to collect 1,000 pairs of used eyeglasses to share with those who couldn’t afford them. She partnered with Lions in Sight and got to about 250 pairs before her progress was stalled. At one point, she wanted to brainstorm ideas for how to get more collection boxes out into the world. I replied, “You just need to ask.”
She was terrified of rejection, so we came up with a game plan. She got the names and contact information for ten churches in our community. Then she emailed them all in one sitting. Three wrote back, and she placed boxes in two of them. Her delight at hearing one yes overpowered all her trepidation at getting a no.
The key was that she approached it like a numbers game. If she had only asked the first church and they said no, she would have been discouraged. Instead, she played the odds by making multiple asks at once, and she got results. Now she has the confidence to seek out more places to put her drop-off boxes, and I think she understands the power of making the ask so that the odds are in your favor.
From time to time, people will ask me to introduce them to somebody in my network. If I think it’s a win-win, I will try to make the intro. However, if I agree, I then have to write an email summarizing their problem or question and make the ask for them. This creates extra work and becomes a new source of friction.
On the other hand, sometimes people will ask me for an intro and make it easy to say yes. Rather than putting the onus on me, they will send me a pre-written introduction email that I can just forward to the other person. Instead of having to draft one from scratch, I can just add a line to it that says something like, “Hey, so-and-so wanted an introduction to you—here is their email. Would you be open to being connected?”
Even this small adjustment can make a big difference. It’s taking something that would require extra time and work and turning it into a task that takes a single minute to do.
You would be surprised how much more likely people are to agree to something when it doesn’t require as much effort from them. Find ways to reduce that friction, and you’ll boost your chances of hearing a yes.
Sometimes, when someone approaches me for a favor, they come with a laundry list of questions and things they need help with. Other times, I get a multi-page email asking very complex questions when the heart of what they’re requesting is actually pretty simple. This can be a lot to wade through and make it harder to understand what they really need—let alone how I can help them.
Instead of bogging the other person down, it can help to prioritize your ask. Be clear about what you need most. Don’t overcomplicate things with too much background or multiple requests. Set the context and keep it simple.
If you struggle with this, try imagining that you have only three sentences to make your request. What will you say? Be specific about what you want and clear about what help truly looks like. People will have a much easier time helping you.
So often, when we think about what we want, we never think to ask ourselves, “What’s in it for the other person?” This oversight is at the heart of many rejections.
Whenever I seek a favor, I make it a two-way street. What am I bringing to the other person? How can I be of service as I seek their help? Making the request with this attitude ensures that it’s a mutually beneficial exchange, not just a burden on the other person.
The next time you have a favor to ask, imagine you’re on the other end of the request. How would you feel? Make sure that you put yourself in the other person’s shoes before you approach them. Adjusting your perspective from “What am I getting?” to “What am I giving?” changes how you ask, and that can make all the difference.
My mom’s caregiver once reached out to me with a problem. Her niece had run into a sticky situation with a former employer of mine and lost her livelihood due to an account issue. My mother’s caregiver begged for my help. I found a way to get her connected with someone who resolved her issue.
I would never have met this niece from a distant country, but because of my strong relationship with the caregiver who loved my mom, I was willing to bend over backward and call someone on her behalf.
Even if you don’t have a direct relationship with the person whose help you need, that may not always be necessary. Sometimes you just need to find someone who is connected to someone who can help.
Remember, asking for favors is not about a transactional relationship. It is not about tit-for-tat. It’s about building goodwill and adding goodness to the world.
Rather than seeing someone doing you a favor as a credit for something you owe them, look for ways to pay it forward to the world. Those who are generous will in turn be offered generosity—and those who are selfish will be treated in kind.
I still think about Rusty from time to time. He took me under his wing and taught me so much. I went to college back in the day when there was barely any email, but I still wish I had kept up with him.
Rusty encouraged me to be inquisitive and learn by asking. He taught me to document best practices and teach others what I had learned to help the company grow. He told me that life would pass quickly, particularly after I had kids. (That last one I think about most of all, especially since I have kids the same age as he did when I interned with him.)
Thanks to Rusty, I learned to never be afraid to ask for help. There are more people out there willing to help than you imagined.