Last Thursday, we had a Prospective Student Day at my university. I really enjoyed this event, seeing the excitement from the young people who attended, encountering many of my colleagues, and relishing good food. There was always a very positive atmosphere. On top of that, what I enjoyed the most were the conversations with prospective students. My most memorable moment from the event was when a candidate arrived with her mom.
The girl was interested in joining our B.A. program. She and her mom sat in front of me at our information center. At the beginning of our conversation, the girl asked about our program and its requirements. However, less than a minute afterward, her mom interrupted and said, “You know, she met the requirements for another program but failed the interview.”
I nodded without verbally replying so the girl could keep talking. Yet, her mother could not let go of the issue and kept interfering by talking about the experience of failure. “They don’t know what they missed,” “She is such a good student,” “I realize that they can only accept a few candidates but still…” and on and on. After a few minutes, the girl said, “Mom, stop it, I’m over it, I don’t care anymore, I want to think of the next step!” That didn’t help though. I realized that in order to help the girl, I needed to help resolve the broken “song” in her mom.
This is an issue that often arises with listening. Listening requires effort and motivation, which are diminished when the speaker depletes the listener by repeating themselves over and over (and over). The key to dealing with speakers who keep repeating themselves is to try to identify the emotion that hides behind the content. People get stuck in a story when they feel angry, hurt, conflicted, or regretful.
I said to the mother, “It seems that the rejection from the other programs bothers you more than your daughter, is that correct?” She replied that it did. Then I asked, “Why is that?” She said, “Well, because she would have been perfect for this program, and she is so motivated, hard-working…” I reflected to the mom what I had heard and asked if I understood correctly, and she said I did. Then I asked, “Is there anything else about this experience that might cause you frustration?”
The mom was silent for a few moments and replied, “Yes, I had to drop my academic studies to take care of my husband who got sick, and I hate to see my child miss out on opportunities.” This was a breakthrough; the girl told her mom that it was not fair that she tried to relive her experience through her and that she didn’t even want the other program so much. I asked the mom if she could go back to complete her studies now. She said, “No, I wish, but I’m 59, it’s too late for me.”
I told her about many students I’ve had over the years who are older than she. I shared with her a story about a 71-year-old student who attended one of my undergraduate courses last year, got a 98 on his project, and this year started his M.A. studies. I also told her about my father who had no opportunity to attend the university when he was young, got his bachelor’s degree at the age of 47 while working full-time, and ten years later received his Ph.D.
Suddenly, the mom’s eyes became wide open with excitement. From this point on, I could talk with her daughter without interruption. The mom didn’t mention the failure in the interview anymore and let her daughter talk and ask questions. At the end of the conversation, I directed the mother to the information center of the program that is relevant to her. She smiled and said this conversation made her day.
This experience validated what I often see in listening research and practice. When a speaker keeps repeating themselves in the same conversation, there is always an unresolved issue that elicits negative emotions. The listener’s job is to help the speaker become aware of why they get stuck on this story and the emotion behind it. The most important thing is to adopt a “listening attitude,” which means that the solution lies within the speaker and it is the listener’s role to help them draw it out.
This process takes effort and time and it is not possible in every conversation. However, I have found it much more efficient, time, and effort-wise, than letting such speakers say the same thing over and over or trying to provide them with advice or solutions. I hope to see both the girl and her mom on campus next year.