The Red vs. Blue Chasm
Talk about disconnects!
According to Lauren Aratani of The Guardian:
- 55% believe the economy is shrinking, and 56% think the US is experiencing a recession.
- Even though the gross domestic product (GDP) has been growing every year since the pandemic.
- 72% think inflation is increasing.
- Even though the rate of inflation has fallen to 3.4% – far from inflation’s 40-year peak of 9.1% in June 2022 — and has been under 4% for a year. Meanwhile, wage increases have been outpacing inflation.
- 49% believe the S&P 500 stock market index is down for the year.
- Even though the index went up about 24% in 2023, is up more than 12% this year, and the Dow Jones index recently hit record highs.
- 49% believe that unemployment is at a 50-year high.
- Even though the unemployment rate has been under 4%, closer to a 50-year low.
How does reading that make you feel?
What is your reaction when you read something like this?
Do you go after the statistics in search of something to prove these wrong?
Or do you conclude that 55%, 72%, or 49% of the country are idiots?
If you encounter discrepancies such as these face-to-face or online, what do you do?
Whether you walk away, change the subject, or argue, do you conclude that the other person is clearly stupid, misinformed, brainwashed, hopeless, and/or crazy?
In my experience, given disconnects as huge as these, that’s exactly what most people do. That’s my inclination as well. It doesn’t matter which side of the issues you are on, we are all quick to discredit someone who seems so disconnected from our beliefs.
This is an impossible situation with little hope of learning, changing minds, or building productive relationships.
Unless!
Unless you recognize that your inability to have a civil conversation with this person isn’t because you disagree so vigorously, it’s because in your mind you have passed judgment on the other person based on assumptions about their state of mind, intelligence, and intentions. Once you conclude someone is a crazy idiot who wants to destroy our country, you will find it incredibly difficult to treat them with respect, ask reasonable questions, or listen openly with compassion and curiosity to their answers.
So the biggest problem is in your head! Without knowing why someone believes what they believe, what they have been through, or what they hope for, we have a tendency to judge, assume, and disparage. And that creates a barrier to effective, objective, civil communication.
You must avoid those judgmental thoughts
If there is to be any hope for civil discourse, we must suspend those judgmental thoughts. It isn’t easy to do, but when you do it, you can open doors and dissolve the walls that make real communication nearly impossible.
Luckily, I’ve discovered a simple technique that you can start trying with very little risk today!
When someone provides “facts” you don’t believe are true or voices an opinion that strikes you as ridiculous, suspend your judgment and say, “It seems we have a disconnect.”
“It seems we have a disconnect”
No one can argue with that! With this simple, non-judgmental phrase, you acknowledge that there is a disconnect and you open the door for an honest discussion. You clearly don’t agree with each other, but you aren’t criticizing the other person or challenging them by acknowledging the disconnect. You certainly aren’t calling them names or sneering at them. That is assuming you have kept those judgmental thoughts at bay and are sincere in your acknowledgment of the disconnect!
At that point, if either of you is so inclined, you can dig down a little and talk more openly about what each of you believes or have experienced. “I don’t think the economy is doing so badly. What have you seen that has convinced you otherwise?”
Focus on the disconnect NOT the person!
The trick here is to focus on the disconnect, NOT the person. If you judge the person, you will not be able to treat them with respect and an open mind. You won’t ask reasonable questions and really listen to their answers. It’s hard. I know. It’s also impossible if you think it terms of the whole mass of people who disagree with you. So forget the mass for a moment and look at the individual person directly in front of you. Don’t judge them. Be a little curious and see if you can learn something about their perspective and what is behind the disconnect.
If you ask why they think the economy is so bad, maybe you will learn about their son who is struggling to find an apartment he can afford, despite working two jobs. Or maybe he and his partner can’t find daycare they can afford so both of them can work full-time. As you learn about their situation, it may become quite obvious that the economy is letting them down. Suddenly you have something you can agree on.
Perhaps you can be of help. You might know of an apartment or childcare to recommend. But mostly, your goal is to focus on the situation so you can better understand where things stand from their perspective and possibly help them understand yours. If you manage to have a respectful conversation with someone you would normally ignore, disparage, or argue with, consider it a huge victory in this politically charged climate. With a little luck, perhaps you take it even further and are able to sow the seeds of a friendly or mended relationship.
This technique is part of my Disconnect Principle, which originated with an epiphany I had while helping a client provide honest and helpful feedback. Despite carefully scripting his words, he failed to have a calm, constructive conversation with his problem employee. While debriefing afterwards, I realized that he failed before he even opened his mouth because his body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions gave away his judgmental thoughts and immediately put the employee on the defensive. As I taught this technique to my clients, the body of knowledge surrounding the Disconnect Principle evolved to the point that I wrote a book of the same name. For a short introduction based on the first chapter of my book, you can view my new TEDx Talk titled How to Communicate When Something Goes Wrong.
The more I talked about the Disconnect Principle, the more it became apparent that its benefits goes far beyond managers providing feedback to employees. It can help parents and children, best friends, couples, business relationships, casual acquaintances, and even political opponents.
When trying to communicate with others, our thoughts are often more important than our words. When we are disappointed by someone, it is natural to be angry or irritated and to jump to conclusions about why they didn’t do as we expected, liked, or hoped. But we must not leap to conclusions. Suspend your judgmental thoughts. Recognize how little you know about the other person, even those you think you know well. Acknowledge the disconnect, and then work together to understand what is behind it. And always, always focus on fixing the disconnect, NOT the person!