I recently discovered a cheeky psychology trick that was quite brilliant and I thought, “Ooh, I could turn that into a break-up hack.”
It wasn’t designed to be used in this way (sorry, Freud!) and it’s a slightly shameless thing to do, if I’m being honest.
But I think I might be on to something.
It’s not as bad as ghosting, but I have to say it’s just as sneaky.
It’s for those of us who aren’t great at those deep and meaningful chats — or, more specifically, the “It’s not you, it’s me” chats.
Hello, anxious avoidants. If that sounds like you, then lean in, my friends.
Quick word of warning: It’s not exactly PC. Like, my therapist would tell me off for doing it, but in the spirit of sharing, may I present to you: the “Gray Rock” technique.
Let me explain. This is a trick psychologists use to stop arguments. Just like a (literal) gray rock is dull and boring, you adopt these qualities to repel someone.
You become snore-inducing, impassive and bland. You’re not giving them a reaction, so they back off. (Also a handy trick to escape narcissists.)
Now, my little brain thought, “Well, this technique could also be used as a handy trick to dump someone without them realizing it.”
So say you’ve been on a couple of dates with someone, and you suddenly realize they’re not for you. Rather than ghost them or have a cringe-inducing chat where you blame yourself, you simply become a gray rock.
When they text you next, you just respond with something dull like “haha” or “thanks.” You don’t ask questions back and you certainly don’t initiate conversation.
The person becomes so bored with you, they’ll end up kicking you to the curb and, best of all, they will think it’s their idea. Kinda genius, kinda spineless. I can’t decide.
I tried it and it worked great. No, not my finest moment, but I’ve accepted my anxious attachment style and one day I vow to change it. One day …
And actually, come to think of it, a guy did it to me recently! Now, this guy is not boring, oh no.
He’s a hoot. But he became boring. Our first couple of dates were great. We laughed, shared stories, sent each other funny memes during work hours. Then around the three-week mark, he suddenly just became “meh.”
I would send him something funny and he would just write back “lol.” I would ask if he wanted to catch up for a drink and he would just write, “Sorry I’ve got boring life admin to do” or worse … one day he just sent a thumbs-up emoji.
Yes, the dreaded thumbs-up.
This is not the same man who snuck into Centennial Park with me at midnight to drink wine and roll around half-undressed under the rose bushes.
He wasn’t ghosting me, but he certainly wasn’t being the fun-loving spirit I fell in lust with.
So here I was quietly patting myself on the back, thinking I’d created a genius new dumping hack, but it turns out men have been using it for years.
Now, to be fair, I can’t be angry with him. He’s being perfectly polite. It just took me a second to get the age-old “He’s just not that into you” message in my noggin.
Cringe.
So is it that genius? Well, I obviously wouldn’t advise doing this with someone you are exclusively dating. We’re talking official-boyfriend-and-girlfriend scenario. No, that’s just bad form.
But having pondered it, I think it’s completely acceptable if you’ve only been on a few dates and aren’t at that “dumping” stage yet.
It’s far better than ghosting. I mean, technically you’re still responding and acknowledging them, but you’re just letting them down gently.
And on the upside, you’re making them feel like it’s their idea. Which, when you think about it, is kind of selfless. OK, Jesus.
Or am I clutching at straws, trying to feel less trashy about this cheeky dating hack because I just hate all that emotional chat stuff? I don’t know. Maybe.
Either way, if you ever get a “haha” or a “thumbs-up” response … consider yourself dumped.