European Championship: How to Deutsche Bahn

(Eine deutsche Version dieses Artikels finden Sie hier.)

Are you
coming to Germany for the first time for the European Football Championship? If
so, you will most likely have the debatable pleasure of using the Deutsche Bahn. This experience is notorious even among experienced German train travellers.
But don’t be afraid: with a few tips, we can get you on the right track.

The
Deutsche Bahn is not Deutsch at all: which is to say, it’s never on time. And don’t
think you can trick the system by taking Flixtrain: It uses the same broken and
overcrowded train tracks. It’s advisable to plan your trips with some flexibility
and be aware that travelling sustainably in this Auto-obsessed country might be
a little unreliable.

If you need
a seat during your journey, you need to book a Sitzplatzreservierung. Yes, in addition to your ticket. Otherwise,
you could end up sitting on the floor between the toilet and the door. If you
do book a seat, prepare for disaster: the carriages may be changed, meaning you
can’t take your designated seat. Experienced travellers don’t book a seat.
Instead, they check the displays on the platform to find out where the train
will stop. Then they wait at the beginning or end of the train – since most
passengers board the train in the middle – and try to snag a seat there.

If you have
booked a seat, be prepared to run when the train arrives. This is due to the so called “geänderte
Wagenreihung” – meaning that the order of the carriages is mixed up. Especially
beloved by travellers is the “umgekehrte Wagenreihung” (reverse carriage order),
which means you must run with your bags or children from one end of the train
to the other. This happens, for instance, if trains need to take a different
route than planned and there is an additional terminus station where the train
leaves the station in the opposite direction.

Don’t dare
to sit in Erste Klasse without an Erste Klasse ticket. Even if the train is so crowded that
the doors barely close, you will be punished by the conductor for this
unforgivable sin. Especially in the regional trains, it’s hard to tell the
difference between first and second class. Often the only differentiating
factor is the pattern of the seat cover. But don’t try to argue with the
conductor. In Germany, you must know your place: in society and on the train.

Be careful where you sit down (even in the
Zweite Klasse): Don’t
dare to even whisper in the Ruhebereich (quiet carriage). If you are a rebel
and strike up a conversation, someone will yell at you: this is the
Ruhebereich! On the other hand, if you want to relax but have accidentally sat down
in the mobile phone area, you might end up trying to sleep while listening to the
engaging business presentation of a fellow traveller. Or you might end up in
the family area, where a bored parent is reading Winnie the Pooh out loud for
the third time in a row.

If you
want others to think you are German, hide yourself behind a big bag on the seat
next to you. Don’t
store your bags in the designated baggage areas, only selfless Ausländer do
that. And ignore the people desperately searching for seats. If you have more
than one bag, build a fortress.

Don’t
expect to have internet access on the train. There should be Wi-Fi in all ICEs – but it
rarely works. You can forget any ideas of streaming a video. On crowded trains
in particular, you will be lucky if WhatsApp works. Talking on the phone can be
difficult, too, thanks to Funklöcher (dead zones). The name makes it sound like
there are only a few left. However, travelling in Germany feels like traveling
in one big dead zone.

Beware the Zugteilung in Hamm. Most Germans have never visited Hamm, a city of 180,000 people in the north-east of the Ruhr area. However, all regular train travellers have the same nightmares about the Zugteilung in Hamm. Trains from Berlin to North Rhine-Westphalia divide there and proceed in different directions. Most of the passengers discover too late that they are in the wrong section of the train, and the chaos begins. Even if you don’t have to sprint along the platform, it is likely that something will go wrong during the decoupling process, resulting in significant delays.

In the
Bordbistro, don’t expect freshly prepared meals – unless it is a Czech train. All hot food in
the Deutsche Bahn comes from the microwave. The fries are crunchy, though. What
a miracle of the food industry.

Be
prepared for strong smells on the train, even outside the Bordbistro. Germans love to
bring boiled eggs and smelly salami with them – sometimes even a Döner kebab.
Feel free to bring your smelliest traditional dish and try to compete.

Please do make fun of the English announcements
on the trains. This shows that you
are integrating yourself. German travellers love to imitate se fanni Dschörmän
äkzent – no matter the quality of their own English. Senk ju vor traveling wis
Deutsche Bahn is a common German saying. There’s even a song. Ändschoi!