How To Tell If A Relationship Is ‘Moving Too Fast’—4 Insights From A Psychologist

We’ve all experienced the thrill of a promising new romance. It feels like our life has been thrown into a frenzy—we’re checking our phones obsessively, we’re planning our entire schedule around seeing our person and we’re blowing off other commitments we wouldn’t have dreamed of missing a few weeks ago. It’s a state of excitement, elation and anticipation, mixed together with a generous helping of anxiety.

Your close friends and family probably notice a change in your behavior. They’re happy for you but offer sobering advice, saying things like “Don’t rush it” and “Keep your wits about you.”

How does one know if it’s a case of the “too fast, too soons?” Here are four reality-checking insights from research to help you navigate the early phases of a promising new romance.

1. Just Because It’s Fast Doesn’t Mean It’s Wrong

The first thing to keep in mind is that there is no “right” way to start a relationship. We’ve all heard stories of couples who met on Tuesday, were married by Saturday, and are still happily married forty years later. The feeling of “when you know you know” is real, and shouldn’t be tuned out.

We’ve also heard stories of couples who spent a decade together before tying the knot. Again, there is no right or wrong path to relationship happiness—many different routes can lead you there.

Research suggests that divorce rates are higher for people who marry younger (for example, teenage marriages are significantly more likely to end in divorce), and for couples who marry quickly. However, there are plenty of exceptions to this rule.

2. It’s Always Important To Retain Your Sense Of Self

One potential problem for people who mad-dash into a new relationship is the loss of an independent identity. This might look like neglecting long-standing friendships to spend all of your time with your new partner or losing interest in activities that have been a defining part of your identity for as long as you can remember.

At first, this might feel okay—you simply want to spend as much time with the new person as possible. Over time, however, this can lead to resentment, depression and other emotional issues. You may become dependent on your partner for happiness, and start blaming them for things out of their control.

The best relationships are founded on mutual respect and a desire to see each other flourish, within the relationship and outside of it. By rushing the initial phases of a relationship, you may inadvertently set the expectation of relationship dependence instead of interdependence or independence.

3. Know Your Patterns, Such As Emophelia

Some people struggle with a pattern of falling in love too quickly. The clinical term for this is “emophilia” or “emotional promiscuity,” describing the tendency to fall in love quickly, frequently and less discriminately. This pattern can lead to unhealthy relationships and emotional consequences. Those with emophilia may overlook red flags and can be drawn to partners with dark personality traits.

Fortunately, research offers a way to know if you might exhibit such tendencies. If you find yourself agreeing with the following nine science-backed statements, you may want to double-check your love-struck nature:

1. I fall in love easily.
2. For me, romantic feelings take a very short time to develop.
3. I feel romantic connections right away.
4. I love the feeling of falling in love.
5. I am the type of person who falls in love.
6. I often feel romantic connections to more than one person at a time.
7. I have been in love with more than one person at the same time.
8. I fall in love frequently.
9. I tend to jump into relationships.

4. Reflect On Your Motivations

Finally, it’s important to check your own motivations for pursuing a relationship, regardless of the speed at which it develops. If you feel like it’s something you’re truly passionate about then it’s likely that you’re on the right track. However, if the desire to pursue the relationship is coming from some external source—say, feeling like you need to find a partner before it’s too late or a family expectation that this would be a good match for you—then you’ll likely want to proceed with caution.

Only you know the answer to this question. However, unpacking it with a close friend, family member or a trained mental health professional is a great place to seek guidance.

Worried about your tendency to fall in love quickly? Take the Emotional Promiscuity Scale to know where you stand.