If you somehow came out of your teenage years as a fully self-assured adult who always holds your head high, you’re lucky. Even for those of us who were fortunate enough to have great role models, a bunch of uncontrollable factors—including trauma, bullying, and societal expectations—can make it really hard to feel self-assured.
The good news, though, is that “being confident is a learned skill,” Geoffrey Gold, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Therapists of New York, tells SELF. And an important one at that: Believing in yourself won’t necessarily make you an expert at everything or get you whatever you want in life, but it will encourage you to take more risks and seize opportunities (by applying for a great job, perhaps—or leaving a toxic one). Not to mention, you’ll be a lot happier and have healthier relationships when you trust and accept yourself, Dr. Gold adds.
Of course, we can’t just magically convince you that you’re smart enough, attractive enough, good enough if you’ve spent years struggling with self-doubt. So don’t just take it from us: We asked therapists to share a handful of effective ways to start trusting in your capabilities and judgment—and having your own back.
1. Don’t be afraid to mess up.
Confidence isn’t about being faultless and perfect. Instead, it’s more about believing in your ability to grow, adapt, and improve, Adia Gooden, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Chicago and host of the Unconditionally Worthy podcast, tells SELF.
So rather than pressuring yourself to never mess up (which will only make you more anxious and insecure), a more productive approach is to reframe mistakes as opportunities to evolve: Sure, it sucks that you blew that job interview, but now you know how to prep better for the next one! And fine, that Friday night date was a disaster, but maybe it clarified what you are (and aren’t) looking for in a partner. Ultimately, reaching a place of self-acceptance is about embracing your whole self, Dr. Gooden says—that includes your successes and your slip-ups.
2. Make a list of your weaknesses—and counter each one with a strength.
It’s human nature to fixate on the negatives, according to Dr. Gooden. That’s why it can help to highlight your best assets during a self-doubt spiral. You can start by creating a list of “weaknesses” preventing you from seeing your potential. Then, counter each one with something you’re good at—and how you can use that strength to your advantage.
Let’s say you’re feeling self-conscious about attending a wedding where you only know the bride. A “weakness” in this scenario may look like, “I get really anxious meeting new people,” or “I’m so bad at small talk.” To balance these challenges, consider your positive traits such as, “I’ve been told I’m pretty funny, so maybe I can break the ice with a few jokes.” Or, “I love dancing, which could be a fun way to enjoy the event.” This exercise, Dr. Gold says, is a great way to stop zeroing in on negative self-talk and start seeing yourself more holistically.
3. Stand up to your inner critic with kindness.
Speaking of mean voices in your head…another way to fight back against disparaging thoughts is to reframe them, Dr. Gold says.