Dear Lizzy,
I’m a woman in a long-term relationship but decided in my 20s not to have kids. I am quite happy with my decision. I can go on trips and sleep whenever I want for as long as I want. But I have several old friends who still cannot seem to believe me when I say I am happy. There are the sort of sideways remarks like, “What about when you’re old?” or “We’ll see…” implying I will change my mind and get pregnant. But also blatant things like, “You don’t know what love really means until you have a kid.”
I know what love means and also, I legitimately am happy! What can I do to make them understand I don’t need their pity?
A Childless Cat Lady
Dear Childless Cat Lady,
I think you may be mistaking jealousy for pity – your friends haven’t slept a full night in years and they look into your bright, rested eyes and feel like they may have made a mistake.
I suggest when they treat you in such a condescending manner, you take pity on them. They are very, very tired.
Here’s something I firmly believe about children: You should only have them if you want them. I have one and I am very happy about it and love her more than anything on planet Earth. Also, I don’t think anyone should ever be forced, pressured or cajoled in any way into having kids, so it is incredibly irresponsible and uncool of your friends to put even a little pressure on you.
And suggesting someone can’t experience real emotions or is lying to themselves doesn’t scream “awesome friend” to me.
Am I suggesting you drop your friends when they treat you this way? Maybe! You’d be well within your rights to not hang out with people who seem to disrespect the choices you’ve made about your own body and life that have literally zero impact on theirs.
Except: It does have a little impact on them. It makes them self-conscious (why ARE they always talking about their kids?) and it reminds them of all the things they can no longer do (remember when they used to have hobbies?). Misery loves company and you are not miserable, in the way they are anyway.
So, don’t immediately drop them if you don’t want to, but maybe expand your circle and find other child-free people to hang out with and at the very least gripe about your breeding friends with. Earlier this year I interviewed two women who have a podcast about the joys and struggles of being child-free. If you live in the Portland area, they do events sometimes.
And feel free to ignore your friends when they talk like this, or say, “Hey, that actually hurts my feelings.”
They are parents so hopefully they are working on talking about feelings.
Good luck!
Lizzy
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