Situationship: Don’t be strung along; Here is how to break free in 4 ways

An avoidant partner wants to feel close but not too close to their partner. They are more likely to quickly feel smothered in a relationship and push their significant other away whenever they need space. While this can create instability and reduce emotional intimacy, the irony is that avoidants attract anxious partners who tend to not know when to draw boundaries and protect themselves from the inconsistencies.

Anxious partners, until they heal and become securely attached, are stuck in the anxious-avoidant trap. They fear abandonment and will stay in an emotionally unhealthy dynamic even if they want to leave while avoidants will push partners away even if they want to experience genuinely close intimacy. And that is how most situationships are born.

For avoidants or anyone who has an insecure attachment style, it can be easy to get stuck in a loop even if you are longing to break free and finally experience an emotionally stable and healthy relationship.

The following ways can help you put things into perspective to come out of the rut.

Brutal honesty is what will cut it—not walking on eggshells or refusing to address the elephant in the room. Evaluate your (in)actions and how you have conducted yourself so far. Be as sincere as you can get. Allow yourself to be comfortable with the harsh truth staring at you.

It is by being honest with yourself that you will be able to identify parts of you that resonate with the unhealthy dynamic at play. If you have an unwholesome fear of abandonment that makes you insecure about relationships, note it down as well.

The reason this is necessary is so that you can address unhealed aspects of yourself. Many people settle for situationships because they have either gone through a traumatic event from a previous relationship or the primary environment in which they were nurtured or brought up had inconsistent display of affection from caregivers. In that case, they are used to the unstable push-pull dynamic.

Now this is where it can get a bit difficult. You’ll need to be brave enough to face the person and admit that what you have going on is unwholesome for you. They may become defensive and you need to also prepare for that.

Or they may gaslight you into thinking that it’s alright and they have feelings for you but just want to take things a bit more slowly. Understand that the conversation is not reach a middle ground per se—especially if the person is not ready to either stop stringing you along or become official. The conversation is for you: to eventually get yourself to a better place where you don’t feel less valued because someone won’t make you their official partner.

No, don’t talk to a family member or a friend. Get a professional to hear you out and explain what makes you naturally predisposed to insecure attachment styles. Therapy is a good place to offload the trauma and learn healthier ways to attract and maintain romantic relationships where you feel valued and seen.

Understand that you are the one in control of your life. Settling for a situationship if that is not what you want implies you are conceding authority over your own life. There’s always someone out there who will appreciate you and give you the stable dynamic you deserve.