7 Strategies For A Great Friendship

Having a good friend is one of the best things you can do for your health and happiness—and also for your friend’s wellbeing. Chances are, you’re careful about the friends you choose, but you’re also wise to focus on how you can be a good friend to others.

It’s worth the effort to prioritize how you show up, because when you pay attention to how you’re giving to others, contributing to the community and caring for your people, it’s highly correlated with both physical health and joy.

Of course you need to ensure you’re considering self-care, but if you become too inwardly focused or self-centered in your efforts, you’re likely to detract from your happiness and mental health.

Fortunately, there are some straightforward strategies to be a good friend.

How to Be a Good Friend

Being a good friend comes naturally in a great relationship—but it also takes work. It’s a bit of both—and you can take action in terms of how you care for and about others.

1. Be Self-Aware

To be a good friend, you’ll want to be self-aware. Ironically, a great friendship means you can let your hair down and be yourself—but you’ll want to stop short of letting go completely or losing all sense of the other person’s sensitivities.

Usually, we think of self-awareness as being in touch with how we’re feeling, but it also has a critical component of paying attention to how we’re coming across and—critically—how our behavior is affecting others.

To be a good friend, it’s important to find the balance of being yourself and letting down your guard—at the same time you’re staying aware of how your words are landing and how your behaviors are affecting them.

2. Be Intentional

Closely related to self-awareness is the need to be intentional with your actions and choices. There is an old saying, “Being a friend means never having to say you’re sorry.” Of course, this is a myth. In a great friendship, you’re still accountable for how you behave and how you impact the other person.

Consider what you’re saying, how you’re saying it and how you come across. Put effort into the relationship and invest time and attention. Essentially, make a friend of your friend again and again. Maintain the important norms of a relationship—expressing gratitude, saying how much you appreciate someone and saying please and thank you.

These may seem like trappings that can go away when you’re super-comfortable in a relationship, but they are actually important glue, even for longest or closest ties. Why? Because they demonstrate your attention to the relationship and your care for the other person in a way that continues over time—and reminds each of you of your commitment to each other.

3. Be Trustworthy

You can also be a good friend, individually or within your friend group, by being trustworthy. Of course, you’ll keep confidences, never giving away a secret or doing anything to harm the other person (as a bad friend would).

But you can also enhance your trustworthiness by being authentic. Be yourself and be open in how much you share. In addition, behave in a way that aligns with how you express your values. For example, if you say you’re about being there for your friend, reciprocate coffee dates, show up reliably and remember their birthday.

You can also build trust considering both task and relationship (think: pets and pizza).

• Task trust is when you follow up, follow through and deliver on task-oriented commitments. When you build task trust, you are someone your friend can count on to care for their pets while they are away on vacation—or to get the thing done at work that you said you would.
• When you build relationship trust, you are a friend someone can enjoy spending time with (over pizza for example)—someone they trust to be open, share secrets and get support when they are most in need.

You won’t always have both kinds of trust with all friends, but the best types of friends offer both.

4. Be Supportive

Another primary way to be a good friend is to be supportive. Attention is in short supply today, so be present. Put away your device, pay attention to how they’re doing, ask questions and listen when they’re talking with you. These may seem like no-brainers, but with so much to distract us from each other, these behaviors are no longer automatic—and they are important to building a strong relationship.

Also be empathetic. Consider how your friend might be feeling (emotional empathy) or how they might be thinking (cognitive empathy) as they go through something—and offer your compassion and support.

Another factor in support is being happy when good things happen to your friend. It’s often easy to support a friend who’s going through a hard time—a breakup, the loss of a job or personal setback. But in some cases, it can be harder to support them through a terrific achievement. If you’ve been interviewing for jobs without success, and they land an awesome new role, it can be tough.

It can be natural to feel some competition with a friend—but when you can be fully present for their success and happiness—as well as their challenges, you’re acting as a truly good friend.

5. Be Inspiring

Fascinating (and sobering) research finds that you are tremendously influenced by the choices your friends make—and they are influenced by yours as well. This applies to everything from eating habits and exercise to choices about drinking, smoking, risk-taking and even whether you have children.

And interestingly, the closer your friendship, the more influence you have. All of this means that you’re wise to recognize your power in the relationship and their power as well—and make good choices together.

You can be a good friend by talking about the goals you each want to accomplish and encouraging each other. And you can be a good friend by aligning with what they want to achieve. If they’re trying to get healthy, suggest a walk together instead of hitting the buffet. Or if they’re seeking to obtain a new professional certification, suggest a night of studying together.

Be the kind of friend that others choose to be with, because you’re a positive influence in their life.

6. Be Reliable

Another way to be a good friend is to be reliable. It’s a VUCA world—one that is increasingly volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous. In the midst of so much that is unpredictable, you need your people to be there for you—and you need to be there for them.

Be reliable by reaching out regularly to connect and being consistent in how you behave and treat people. People don’t trust what they don’t understand, so be consistent in how you behave and be predictable in what your friend can count on from you.

7. Be Forgiving

Perhaps one of the most important things in terms of how you can be a good friend is to be forgiving. Your friend won’t be perfect, nor will you.

When we get close to someone and have a rewarding relationship, one of the surprising pitfalls is that we can idealize our friend or the relationship. But no relationship is perfect, and we should expect some ups and downs in the interaction.

When you don’t do as well as you’d like, own your misstep and apologize. When they don’t do as you wish, talk it through, forgive them and go on.

The best relationships with strong bonds that tend to last over time are those where there is a lot of communication and openness. This includes giving feedback, holding each other accountable and working through conflict.

You’ll see things differently and you’ll have disagreements—but these don’t have to sink the friendship. Instead, they can deepen your relationship as you learn more about yourself and your friend—and as you work through things in a way that demonstrates your commitment to the relationship.

Being a Good Friend is Good

Being a good friend is very good—for so many reasons. Not only does it contribute to the other person’s wellbeing, but it also boosts your own health and happiness. Reconnect with old friends, strike up a friendship with someone new or sustain a relationship you already have.

Be a good friend because it’s good for them and because it’s good for you. After all, the best and most meaningful moments are the ones that are shared—with a good friend.