The uncomfortable conversations we least want to have are nearly always the ones we most need to have.
Closing the gaps in our relationships takes courage.
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Let’s be honest—relationships take work. Whether with a partner, a friend, a colleague, or a family member, it’s easy to feel a gap between the relationship we have and the one we want. It’s also easy to blame the other person for that gap.
But here’s the hard truth: often, the biggest reason those gaps persist isn’t what the other person is or isn’t doing—it’s what we aren’t saying.
We avoid uncomfortable conversations because they feel risky. We tell ourselves, It’s not worth the drama. They’ll get upset. I don’t want to make things worse. So, we stay silent. We let things fester. We suppress our frustration, burying it beneath busyness or forced smiles. But what we don’t resolve, we relive—again and again.
Fear widens the gaps in our relationships. It takes commitment and courage to closing them.
Research backs this up. A study from the Harvard Business Review found that 69% of managers say they avoid difficult conversations, even when they know those conversations are critical. And this isn’t just true in the workplace. In personal relationships, research from the Gottman Institute has shown that unaddressed grievances, left unchecked, become predictors of long-term dissatisfaction and even relationship breakdowns.
I’ve worked with many senior executives who can be very bold in their vision and strategy yet total wimps at having awkward conversations. The personal vulnerability required to navigate tensions in our interpersonal relationships – professional and personal – is often far more nerve wracking than the vulnerability required to march into battle or roll out a new strategy. Yet its the glue to making them work.
Personally, some of the toughest conversations I’ve had have been in my own home. After 31 years of marriage and raising four kids across many global relocations, I can tell you—relationships don’t suffer from the tensions that arise. They suffer from how we manage them. No meaningful relationship – with a team member or a life partner – is immune to moments of frustration or friction. It’s how we handle them that makes all the difference.
The Conversations We Least Want to Have Are the Ones We Most Need to Have
Consider this: What’s a recurring frustration in a relationship that matters to you? Maybe your partner doesn’t express appreciation, or your friend never initiates plans, or a colleague takes credit for your ideas.
Now, ask yourself: Why haven’t I addressed it?
If you’re like most people, your reasons boil down to one thing – fear. Fear of conflict, of rejection, of making things worse, or just feeling really awkward. Of course fear doesn’t always show up in overt knee-shaking trepidation. Often it more closely resembles pride, hubris, a superiority complex, ‘judgyness’, procrastination, a deep desire to keep face or at least, to avoid the chance of losing it.
Yet, in my research and work on helping people to manage their fear and cultivate their courage, I’ve found that the stress we feel about having an emotionally awkward conversation typically exceeds the stress of the conversation itself. And again, research backs this up. Research cited in Psychology Today found that we overestimate just how stressful it is to raise and sensitive issue and usually only wish we’d done so sooner. Avoiding initiating a conversation can spare us immediate anxiety and stress but over time, it ultimately creates more stress as unaddressed issues fester, deepening wedges and mistrust.
How to Close The Courage Gap in Your Relationships
If you’re serious about improving a relationship, it’s time to step into the courage gap. Here’s how:
- Get Clear on What You Want
What’s your vision for this relationship? Instead of dwelling on what frustrates you, focus on what you want to create. How would you feel if that gap were closed? What lays at stake here? Let your commitment to a positive outcome drive you forward. - Embrace the Discomfort
Fear shows up in our bodies—tight chest, clenched jaw, racing heart. Instead of retreating from it, lean in. See it as a signal to step forward, not to retreat. - Step Into the Gap
There comes a moment when you have to do the very thing your fear is urging you not to. Take a breath, gather your courage, and say what needs to be said. Lead with curiosity, not accusation, staying focused on the highest intention you have for your relationships. Use “I” statements—I feel unheard when… instead of You never listen to me. - Notice the Difference
Maybe things went great. Maybe the didn’t. Either way, at least you were in action which is, after all, the only thing you can ever do. So take a moment afterward to debrief with yourself and reflect. How do you feel now? Lighter? Relieved? Did the world end? Probably not. More often than not, stepping into these conversations builds trust rather than damaging it.
The conversations we least want to have are often those we most need to have. Avoiding temporary awkwardness doesn’t lessen the impact of issues—it makes it worse. As my research for The Courage Gap found, our self-protective instincts drive us to overestimate the stress of difficult conversations while underestimating the hidden and delayed ‘timidity tax’ of avoiding them. This widening gap between our intention and action erodes trust, both with others and ourselves. Stepping into courage gaps in our relationships is a skill, and like every other skill, it strengthens with practice.
The more we lean into uncomfortable conversations, the more adept we become at navigating them.
So, what’s the gap in your relationship? And are you willing to take the first step to close it?
We’re all 100% responsible for 50% of our relationships. You cannot control the behavior of others, but you always get to control your own. So each time you choose to speak up about whatever is weighing you down – with candor and kindness – you do your part in building the authentic relationships that have the biggest impact on our success in all realms of life.
If you need help to step into your gap, check out Margie’s new book The Courage Gap: Five Steps for Braver Action Information to engage Margie to deepen trust and foster courageous conversations in your team and organization at www.margiewarrell.com