As term one commences, my youngest of three children will start kindergarten.
When I was deep in the trenches of early parenting, reaching this milestone felt like a mirage of sorts — something far off in the distance that I’d never quite reach. Now that it’s here however, it’s more bittersweet than I imagined.
Change the only constant
Anecdotally, this is not an uncommon response to watching our kids move from one childhood stage to another. Whether yours is starting primary school, going through puberty or moving out of home, parenthood is a role that requires constant adaptation around the growth and development of children.
Clinical psychologist Tamara Cavenett says recognising and acknowledging the sadness that sometimes comes with watching children pass milestones is a part of parenting. (Supplied)
Whilst each milestone represents positive steps towards adulthood, they can be difficult to navigate.
“It can be quite emotional for parents,” says Tamara Cavenett, clinical psychologist and former president of the Australian Psychological Society.
“We can underestimate it, but we need to acknowledge that this sadness, as our children move on, is part of parenting.”
Why we mourn childhood stages
For some parents, coming to the end of particular stages can feel akin to grief. Ms Cavenett says this is because ultimately, you can’t get time with them back.
“We can feel a sense of loss because we know certain experiences will never be repeated.”
Parenting expert Justin Coulson — who holds a PhD in psychology — says these transitions can be mournful because they often represent the loss of innocence.
“There’s something tremendously simple and pure that disappears as children get older. So, we mourn the fact that they’re losing their childhood or their pure, joyful state of being.”
Is it OK to miss our ‘past’ children?
The experts say it’s perfectly reasonable for parents to miss “past” versions of their children.
“All you have to do is sit down and look at a photo of your child from two years ago and you think, ‘I just crave that’,” says Dr Coulson.
Parenting expert Justin Coulson says there’s nothing wrong with experiencing a sense of grief for “past” versions of their children. (Supplied)
Far from being a concern, Dr Coulson says these feelings are a good sign.
“To me, it means that you’ve fully invested your heart and soul … My concern is for people who don’t experience any grief through the major milestones.'”
How to not dwell in the grief
Though these transitions can stir up a lot of big feelings for parents, the experts say there are ways to make it easier to remain positive throughout.
Acknowledge your feelings
Letting ourselves feel what we’re feeling without judgement is key.
“Often, we’re told you’re supposed to be excited about the new stage, but actually grieving the stage that was is a really normal part of the process, so acknowledge that,” encourages Ms Cavenett.
Likewise, the experts say it’s helpful to recognise the dual emotions at play in these situations, along with their transitory nature.
“For most of these things, we’re experiencing two emotions,” Dr Coulson says. “There is a celebratory emotion that coexists with the grief.
“Most of what we feel just needs to be allowed to be and then it will pass.”
Talk about it
Talking to people, especially parents who have gone through the same milestones, can be beneficial.
“You’ll often get a lot of validation from them,” Ms Cavenett says.
“Talking to people normalises what we’re going through, so we then accept it and move on,” adds Dr Coulson.
When discussing transitions with children, Ms Cavenett advises that outwardly, parents should try to regulate their own emotions as best they can.
“It’s OK to say that you’re a little bit sad, but also express some of the positive sides, like you’re excited for them and the good things that are going to happen.”
Focus on your child
Ms Cavenett says anything parents can do to proactively support their children through times of change helps.
“Transitions are really anxiety-provoking for children, so think about your role in helping them. Whether that’s setting them up with routines early or helping them mentally prepare, if you give yourself a role, it gives you something to focus on and a sense of stability.”
Be present and allow for extra time
The experts say giving ourselves time and space to reflect on big milestones, both while they’re happening and afterwards, can be valuable.
It’s important to give yourself space to acknowledge big milestones in your children’s development. (Supplied)
“If you’ve got to get a photo of the moment, do, but then put the phone away and be present,” urges Dr Coulson.
If you’re sending them to school for the first time, for example, “you might have quite an emotional send-off, so allow some time for that — you probably don’t want to go straight to work if you can help it,” adds Ms Cavenett.
Think about the big picture
“Moving through each stage, whilst bittersweet, also provides a whole host of new opportunities for you as a parent,” says Ms Cavenett. “That could be taking up a new activity or generating new friendships.
“While you might see your child less often, new stages can give you a chance to renegotiate for a deeper relationship. So, focus on the special moments that you’re going to have moving forward and the next milestones still to come.”
Dr Coulson says: “Parenthood is just this perpetual series of circumstances where you’re required to let go. It’s hard and it gets harder as they get older.
“Your job as a parent is to literally make yourself redundant, but this is the critical thing, if we do it right, we’re still wanted, and we never really lose them.”
Emily McGrorey is a freelance writer living on Awabakal Land/Newcastle. Find her on Instagram @emily_mcgrorey or sign up to her newsletter, Something I’m Sitting With, here.