One of my favourite shows from last year was Nobody Wants This, the Netflix romcom starring Kristen Bell as sceptical sex podcaster Joanne and Adam Brody as Noah, the earnest Rabbi she reluctantly falls for. In one masterfully constructed episode, Joanne watches in embarrassed horror as Noah blunders through a meeting with her family and feels the familiar dread-creep of the ick warping her feelings towards him in real time. She’s not subtle and he notices. His response? He tells her to get over it. They’re good together, they like one another and it’s worth it to push ahead.
This feeling of embarrassment that sprouts between otherwise highly compatible pairs is not unusual, and the Noah approach is the approach I’d recommend for anyone who finds themselves feeling a little (or a lot) embarrassed by the person they’re otherwise crazy about. Get a grip, place it in context and focus your attention on the things that actually matter.
But how to do that? First, figure out if there’s anything to your embarrassment besides… embarrassment. Are you flinching at harmless quirks, or are they doing things that you think genuinely suck like being rude to service workers or talking over your pals? Are they being uncool, or are they being uncool?
If the former, give yourself a break for feeling a bit embarrassed. I’m sure you’re beating yourself up and frankly, that won’t help. A reality check is good but excessive shame is never the way. Almost all of us allow other people’s opinions into our relationships now and then, so forgive yourself if you find yourself swayed by the real or imagined judgement coming your partner’s way. But remember too that if you’re someone who wants a long-term and loving relationship then you need to find a way to keep outside judgement from becoming your judgement and warping your opinions. Because a great partner is not someone who seems like they were grown in a lab to your exact specifications; they’re a human with their own quirks and habits, shaped by their own life experiences.
To allow a TV show to do the heavy lifting yet again in this column: if you’re watching this season of The White Lotus you’ll have seen another perfect example of a couple where one is perpetually cringed out by the other in the dynamic between Rick (Walton Goggins) and Chelsea (the radiant Aimee Lou Wood). She overflows with earnestness, while he flinches at being asked to enjoy a single moment of her company. There’s love and chemistry and commitment between them, sure, but there’s also a sense that 97 per cent of what she does and says fills him with a deep and powerful fatigue. While I wouldn’t mind a trip to a five star hotel in Thailand, you couldn’t pay me to be on either side of that dynamic.
Hoping that these feelings of embarrassment simply vanish on their own is understandable but naive. Instead, you must get up close with them, down in the weeds. You’ll have to tussle about a bit, peer at them from this angle and that angle, talk to a mate, write in your journal, push on them and see what, if anything, gives way. Whatever clarity you can gain will help carry your relationship forward and onto safer, kinder and more gentle ground.
Challenge yourself to try and see the loveliness in the traits that you’re finding cringe-inducing
Maybe you’re a person who feels secondhand embarrassment more acutely than others, the kind of person that has to leave the room during an awkward reality TV confrontation or cringes at the earnestness of live music or public proposals. Maybe your embarrassment towards your partner is actually frustration at your own difficulty in dropping your guard and not worrying about what other people think. Maybe you cringe because there’s a part of you that resents their lack of inhibitions when yours are numerous, rigid, punishing. If so: know this and accept it of yourself. But understand that it’s something happening with you, and resist the impulse to label your partner’s benign behaviours as the problem.
To be embarrassing is to be human, so challenge yourself to try and see the loveliness in the traits that you’re finding cringe-inducing. Maybe they’re loud and over-friendly, or they eat with the kind of gusto that draws curious glances, or they clap when the plane lands. Do what you can to see these traits through a more loving or neutral lens. Chatty people make it far easier for the rest of us to relax. Eating with reckless abandon indicates a person who feels deeply and with all senses (Anthony Bourdain knew his wife was the one after watching her demolish a six-pound lobster on one of their early dates). And clapping when the plane lands? Well, I think we can all agree that our aviation staff deserve the praise.
Dating someone long term comes with so many rewards. To know someone deeply and have them know you in return is a gift. But with time and a gradual unveiling of both of your inner workings, inner worlds, silly habits, table manners and concerningly shredded pairs of underwear: things are going to feel too much and too close sometimes. That’s okay! It really isn’t a total disaster if there are things that continue to grate on you about the person you’re with. But loving someone means confronting these feelings and working through them- and doing so before our embarrassment becomes obvious to them. All of us deserve to date people who find us mostly miraculous. Don’t settle for less and don’t ask others to either.