How to Throw a Measles Party to Remember

This article appears in the April 2025 issue of The American Prospect magazine. Subscribe here.

In the year 2000, America bid an NSYNC “Bye Bye Bye” to the measles, the infectious disease that killed 400 to 500 Americans and infected three to four million each year back in the 1950s. But given that 2025 is a year of throwback trends—from baggy bootcut jeans to segregation—this spring, none other than the contagious queen herself, measles, is back to claim her crown.

As a wife, mother to two not-fat homeschooled children, and best-selling author of the book Cod Liver: It’s What’s for Dinner, I want to speak to other women currently draped in an alpaca shawl on how to throw a totally adorable party for deliberately infecting your child with a life-threatening disease.

The key to a good measles party is having plenty of beverages to soothe that dry hack and rehydrate after ALL the diarrhea. Think raw milk, fluoride-free water, apple cider vinegar, and of course, urine. But instead of cups, opt for a trough so that the guests can lap up their liquids while also sharing as many germs as possible. Did I mention you don’t need to waste money on food? Your child’s loss of appetite will mean you can skip the pizza or fruit snacks full of HARMFUL ARTIFICIAL DYES, and head for the main course: measles.

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One of the hardest parts about throwing a kids’ party is settling on a theme. Is it going to be trucks or unicorns? Barnyard or outer space? But with measles parties, there’s only one theme: RASH! We’re talking red polka dots on everything, from the napkins to the tablecloth to the raspberry-speckled vanilla icing on the NON-GMO cake. Remember, no forks allowed. You want each child’s mitts all over those slices of contagion.

For decorations, check out my YouTube craft channel for how to make your own paper-mache spike protein piñata, using a balloon and glitter pom-poms. Make sure to fill it with unwrapped homemade candy, to best spread any and all pathogens. No need to spin the children before they take a swing, since they will already be dizzy. In fact, they might need help holding the bat given their loss of strength. But don’t worry: They’ll be jumping in elation as soon as those nibs of kitchen-fermented 102 percent cacao start raining down.

Because of encephalitis, make sure party games are super-simple. Here are some suggestions: Guess the Spots on Jackie, or Pin the IV on the Patient, or Lick Your Neighbor. For gifts, each child can decorate a jar they’ve brought from home, cough into it, and pass it to the kid on their left. Everyone leaves with something! Mostly measles.

Of course, you can’t call it a party without a little entertainment. Mascots wear masks, and masks prevent infection, so that’s a no-no. But raw-food influencers like the Liver King are readily available for hire, with stunning tricks like downing 16 ounces of uncooked chicken or performing a live coffee enema. For a higher price point, I bet Secretary Kennedy himself would appear and feed your child’s guinea pig to his pet falcon, or maybe even let the kids try heroin. He is truly a marvel.

If you have any hesitation about throwing a measles party, I get it. It’s risky. What if one of your nine children dies? What if that one is Elon’s? But at some point, you have to stop believing in BIG PHARMA’s 97 percent effective measles vaccines and start believing in my All-Natural Supplement and Smoothie Subscription Service to Ensure an Autism-Free Household, starting at just $149.95 a month. Either way, let’s remember it’s our duty as parents with marble counters to help build our community’s NATURAL IMMUNITY by throwing them a measles party to remember. Remember, there’s no “I” in measles, only “Me.”