I’ve always been an overthinker, making mountains out of molehills long before I’d even entered the dating world. I worried about homework, quicksand, accidentally swallowed apple seeds. Some brains are simply built that way: spinning tops that don’t stop spinning, computers that can’t ever be fully powered down. Not all overthinkers are born, though; sometimes they’re created – forged from difficult past experiences and relationships that didn’t turn out the way you’d hoped.
Overthinking can often feel like a sensible move in today’s culture of ghosting, breadcrumbing and 64-part TikTok series about truly shocking relationship behaviours. It’s an understandable attempt to predict the future and gain a sense of certainty in dating. In reality, it yanks us out of the present moment and disrupts our ability to find enjoyment and excitement when putting ourselves out there and meeting new people. A little crush transforms from something fun and hopeful into something spiral-inducing and all-consuming. A great first date sours by the following morning if they don’t follow up to immediately plan the second. You interrogate their punctuation, the length of their messages, their fluctuating emoji use, the volume of their laughter at what you’ve always considered your best anecdote. And just like that, all the things that make romance exciting and life-affirming transform into opportunities to overthink. Frankly, that’s no way to live, laugh or love.
As badly as we might want to know all outcomes and keep ourselves protected from pain, there are certain things we simply can’t control in dating. Their feelings, our feelings, their availability, their desires, chemistry, and timing. Overthinking may offer an illusion of control, but an illusion is all it’ll ever be. You cannot predict the future and fixating on the possibility of being hurt down the line or scrutinising their facial expressions or any potential rejection hidden in their words will just keep us from enjoying the magic of the present moment, the wonderful adventure of getting to know someone new.
As badly as we might want to know all outcomes and keep ourselves protected from pain, there are certain things we simply can’t control in dating
If you’re a person who overthinks in dating, then the first thing I’d like you to do is be kind to yourself about it. You didn’t choose this and you’re not making dating difficult on purpose – it’s an admirable attempt at self-protection and a deeply human impulse. Secondly, identify the ways that your overthinking manifests and see what soothing actions you can take. Worried about the frequency of their messages? Discuss your expectations for communication, ask them their preferences and tell them what would put your mind at ease. In the early days of my last relationship, I laid it all out for the person I was dating, telling them that while I didn’t need or want to be in contact 24 hours a day, checking in every day was a non-negotiable. And guess what? We made time to talk every day, fell in love and had a great time. Had I held my tongue, who knows if things would have turned out so well.
Bringing up your overthinking with the person who you’re currently overthinking about is, of course, pretty scary stuff. But good relationships are built on an ability to communicate healthily, find solutions and support and reassure one another through the tricky times. You don’t need to disclose every single panicked and catastrophic thought that crosses your mind, of course, but if you’ve been seeing one another for a while, you can absolutely let them know that sometimes your brain takes you to some strange and not altogether logical places and you’re working on it. The right partner will not back off when they hear this – they will instead make space for you to discuss your worries together.
Also, don’t bring it up as though you’re confessing to something terrible and unforgivable (like sticking your gum to the underside of bus seats or not saying ‘wow, big stretch!’ when a cat does a big stretch). This is just helpful and true information about who you are and how you process things – not a grenade that, when thrown, will explode all your chances of love. You’re a person who cares deeply, loves hard and can occasionally feel anxiety as a result. Say it without shame and give them a chance to rise to the occasion or not. And remember, overthinking is not a rare phenomenon! It’s very likely that the people you date are also trying not to spiral, worrying about things they did or said and wondering whether you like them or not. Creating a safe space to communicate more openly, be clear on your feelings and intentions can make dating much easier for all involved.
You’re a person who cares deeply, loves hard and can occasionally feel anxiety as a result. Say it without shame
You can also practice de-escalating your thoughts with a trusted friend or, if you have one, your therapist. Sometimes just speaking your fears aloud or writing them down can remove a lot of their malicious power, so talk things through, share stories, and try to neutralise your panic with facts.
Overthinking can also go the other way, and you might find yourself deciding way too soon that this person you’ve literally just met or matched with is utterly amazing, a perfect catch, an unbeatable potential partner that you can’t bear to lose. Come back to reality when this happens and remind yourself that you must give people a real chance to show you who they are and what kind of partner they could be to you specifically. This takes time and can’t be determined within a few hours or a handful of conversations.
Overthinking about your dates can also be eased by directing more care towards other important parts of life like your friendships, hobbies, work and your relationship with yourself. In other words, if you get busy living, you’ll have less time to obsess, analyse, and overthink.
When you’re spiralling and can’t turn your brain off, your body suffers too. You tense up, you second guess yourself, you obsess, your palms sweat, your knees feel weak, your mother’s lovingly-prepared spaghetti stirs in your stomach. It may seem silly, but breathing techniques and other somatic exercises can really help to bring your body back to a state of calm and in turn break the circuit and soothe your racing mind. There are plenty of different techniques that can help – so have a look online and give some a whirl.
Ultimately, dating is not an exact science, and overthinking is a totally normal response to all of its ingrained uncertainties. To keep it from taking over you must learn to lean on your support network, investigate your own truest wants and needs, and keep adding to your toolbox of strategies to help bring yourself back down to earth when you find yourself floating off into uncertain territory. Remind yourself too that most of us are prone to nerves, overthinking and worry. You’re never alone in it, but the rewards of pushing through and opening up can be so worth it. Open and patient communication and permission to be vulnerable in relationships doesn’t happen by accident. It starts with us.