Unprecedented times are starting to feel like the new normal.
With stocks falling and the threat of a recession looming, many of us are struggling. No one is untouched, whether you’re trying to lead a team through uncertain conditions, agonizing about whether your retirement funds could disappear, or worrying about your job security.
What we need to get through these times is social support. But in order to receive it, we have to stop “surface acting,” or feeling pressured to put on a happy face. It’s why we answer “How are you?” with an immediate “Fine!” even when we’re not really fine at all.
It’s prevalent in workplaces around the world. But over time, it’s also spread into our personal relationships and communities. Decades of research have found that surface acting harms mental health, workplace performance, and relationships. We have to stop pretending that everything is okay.
Difficult moments in history also present opportunities for change. What if we chose to use this time to shift norms and create a culture where people feel safe to be open about how they’re really feeling?
Each of us has the power to help — one honest response to “How are you?” at a time. Here are a few ways to get started.
1. ‘Hey, thanks for asking. How am I? Hmm. Right now, I’m feeling…’
If surface acting has become second nature to you, try this useful technique to process the question and consider your answer out loud. It will derail your instinct to immediately respond with, “I’m fine! And you?” and help you practice going inward to identify what you’re truly feeling.
2. ‘A bit stressed, in fact.’
Think of this as a way to dip a toe into the pool of vulnerability without jumping all the way in. With one short, honest statement, you share your feelings, but refrain from divulging sensitive information.
You might also use phrases like:
- “Right now, that’s a tough question to answer!”
- “Where do I begin?”
Watch how they respond. If you witness curiosity or care, that’s a sign that you’re safe to wade in a bit deeper.
3. ‘I feel like I’m in a horror movie! I keep trying to turn it off but it’s not working.’
Many people struggle to have open conversations about emotions. But that doesn’t mean they don’t care about you or don’t want to know how you’re really doing.
Humor is a useful way to convey your inner state while ensuring someone is able to stay present for you. You can also try using metaphors or famous quotes, like:
- “I feel like I need to be rebooted.”
- “Houston, we have a problem: I’m exhausted.”
4. ‘Can I be honest with you? I’m struggling right now.’
By opening with this permission-seeking question, you’re giving the other person a cue that you’re about to break the social script. It invites them to refocus their attention on you and prepare to receive your emotions, increasing the likelihood that they’ll be able to respond in a supportive way.
5. ‘I’m feeling both stressed and grateful at the same time.’
Studies show that we often feel different emotions at the same time, yet we don’t often acknowledge that in our conversations. Use this response to normalize emotional complexity.
You can use a similar response to celebrate what’s going well for you while acknowledging bigger challenges. For example: “I’m really excited because I just found out I got the job I wanted, which makes me feel guilty, because so many people are struggling right now.”
6. ‘Honestly, there’s so much on my mind. I’d love to have a real chat where we both share how we’re really doing. Are you up for that?’
It’s become surprisingly easy to avoid having deeper conversations. You can use this phrase in your existing relationships as a way to strengthen your bond. It creates space for both of you to be heard and identify how you can best support each other. That’s powerful.
Open the door to meaningful conversations
The more honest we’re willing to be with the people in our lives, the more space we create for others to do the same. Honesty opens the door to get more of what we need, whether that’s kindness, encouragement, assistance, or just the simple — yet critical — knowledge that you’re not dealing with these challenges alone.
And the next time you default to asking someone else, “How are you?” stop yourself and try a different question instead, like “What’s been on your mind lately?” or even “How are you, really?”
Stephanie Harrison is the founder of The New Happy, an organization advancing a new philosophy of happiness. She is an expert in happiness, speaker, designer, and author of the book “New Happy: Getting Happiness Right in a World That’s Got It Wrong.” Follow her on Instagram, TikTok and LinkedIn.
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