If you want to advance in your career, you’ll need to have uncomfortable conversations in the office, says workplace expert Henna Pryor.
Skillfully navigating tense or awkward interactions, from asserting opinions to asking your boss for a raise, can benefit your career, Pryor says. Part of the challenge is knowing where and how to have those conversations, especially because a growing number of employees struggle with interpersonal discomfort, she adds.
“The reality is, many of us are very comfortable in our aloneness, and we’ve gotten pretty comfortable turning to ChatGPT for an answer, instead of asking our colleagues what they think” even for simple problems, says Pryor, the founder and CEO of Philadelphia-based leadership coaching firm Pryority Group. “Managing conflict or asking for help in high stake conversations requires a different skill set.”
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Gen Z employees tend to struggle with uncomfortable social dynamics more than older generations, Pryor says. Many of them started their careers when remote work was the norm, giving them less experience with face-to-face sticky conversations, she notes. Young people report feeling more uncomfortable at work, and as a result, avoid conflict even in low-stakes conversations, Pryor’s research shows.
But clearly communicating in the face of conflict shows that you’re capable of problem-solving, collaborating and accepting feedback, all things can help you build trust and relationships at work, some experts say.
Plenty of people think they’re great at workplace communication, notes Pryor — until they’re hit with a high-pressure situation, and they don’t handle it smoothly in the moment. Here are three ways to prepare for and stay calm during difficult conversations at work, according to Pryor:
1. Prepare with positive self-talk, forethought and a little external research
If you know an uncomfortable conversation is heading your way, like a debrief for a project that went awry, prepare beforehand, Pryor says.
She often reassures herself she’s capable of holding her ground with an out-loud pep talk, she says: “It’s some version of, ‘You’ve got this Henna. You’re uncomfortable, but you can do this.’ I have to say it out loud because I’m a fast thinker. Self-talk is more effective for me when I speak it into the air and have it come back into my ears. At the very least, I need to write it down.”
Taking even 30 seconds before a conversation to think about what you’re going to say can help you stay present and grounded while talking, Harvard University associate professor and conversation expert Alison Wood Brooks told CNBC Make It on July 26.
Pryor even rehearses with technology sometimes, she says. She writes out the context of the conversation and her point of view, and asks an AI chatbot if her arguments have any glaring holes.
“I will go into ChatGPT and say, ‘I’m about to have this conversation … can you provide three counter-perspectives from someone who might see it differently?'” she says. “It doesn’t accurately predict what the other person is thinking or feeling, but it does expand my own perspective.”
2. Have go-phrases in your back pocket
Memorizing a couple of go-to phrases for mid-confrontation can help, Pryor says. She likes to start uncomfortable conversations by acknowledging she feels awkward, for example.
“Whenever I enter a difficult conversation, it’s almost an imperative for me to say, ‘This is really hard for me to say, but I know it’s important we talk about it,'” Pryor says. “My personality is kind of playful, so I’ll also say, “I’m head-to-toe uncomfortable bringing this up.'”
Acknowledging whatever’s making you feel uneasy is essential, Pryor says: Telling the other person the specific issue you want to address can help turn the situation from “you versus me” into “us versus the problem.” You’ll also help the other person feel less nervous or defensive, she says.
Another of Pryor’s go-to phrases, she says: “I am seeking clarity.”
“So much comes down to how we prime and frame [conversations],” says Pryor. “I don’t think of them as conflict conversations. I think of them as clarify conversations. I am seeking clarity about an issue, about why we’re disagreeing.”
3. Don’t shy away from small opportunities
Speak up for yourself when the stakes are low to practice navigating conflict, Pryor recommends. You could raise your hand in a meeting when you otherwise wouldn’t, or tell your co-worker that you have a different point of view — anything to build up your social fitness.
If you have a remote job, you can ask people to get a virtual coffee over a video call or sending an occasional voice memo, both of which can help you deepen bonds more than just Slacking back and forth all day, Pryor says.
If you struggle to reach out to others at work, you may need to reframe how you think about social risk, she adds.
“Slow yourself down and really force yourself to admit which thing is most valuable to you?” says Pryor. “I need you to be willing to say to yourself, ‘My comfort is more important than enhancing my relationship with this person.’ Sometimes just confronting the reality of why we’re making a choice is enough to find the activation to stop avoiding [discomfort].”
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