Recently, a post I saw on the popular “Life Pro Tips” Reddit page caught my eye. In it, user amandaredandfreckled asked, “What’s your best advice for parents [with kids] entering the teenage years?”
They continued: “I have a 13-year-old son. I know there will be plenty of teenage debauchery in my future. What’s your advice to handle some common hurdles?” People had some pretty great, constructive answers; so, I decided to share. Here are some of the best:
1. “Relax about the small things — like hair! I don’t care what their hair looks like, or what length it is, as long as it’s clean. Take them on errands with you; they always end up talking in the car, and you’re giving them life skills. Listen when they want to talk, and talk back in a conversation, not a lecture. If they’ll talk to you about Pokémon, they’ll also talk to you about the big things, too.”
Jim Steinfeldt / Getty Images
2. “I frequently remind myself that increasing independence and wanting to do things their way is part of growing up. I also have to remind myself that I’m trying not to raise my daughter to be a people-pleaser (doormat) like me. So when she’s surly and doesn’t want to do stuff, I respect her right not to have to smile and be a good girl 24/7.”
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—u/deleted
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3. “Apologize. You, as a parent, are human. You make mistakes, it happens. When you do, and it affects your child, apologize to them. Teenagers are at a difficult juncture in their development where everything is changing, everything is more difficult and complex, hormones are going wild, and they are going to make mistakes, too. If you are holding them to a standard of behavior to account for their mistakes (and you should), they need to see that it’s a two-way street. You must be the example of holding yourself to the same behavior standards you expect from your children.”
NBC
“An apology from some occasionally horrendous parenting would’ve made all the difference. I think I would’ve been more inclined to forgive more if they were honest about being flawed human beings.”
—u/34boor
4. “Lead by example. Set reasonable rules and tell them you expect them to follow them — then expect them to be broken. Guide them along, but they have to start taking their own path, too. Be there to put them back on track when needed. They’re gonna fuck up, take it in stride. Try to make it a learning experience for them.”
20th Century Fox
“It’s great if your kids still like you, but you’re there to parent, not be a friend. Don’t be surprised when they don’t want to hang out with you as much.
The best gift you can give a child is your time.”
—u/dr_xenon
5. “Make your house the center of activities for your child’s group. In this way, you get to know his friends and can judge their behavior. For the price of a few pizzas and soft drinks, you can gain valuable intelligence.”
Paramount Pictures
6. “Use car time as a time to have casual conversations. Eye contact is difficult, which makes for a more non-judgemental situation. I’ve had some great insights into my kids’ thoughts on drives to swim practice or the grocery store. Also, keep the radio low when hauling a group of kids. It’s amazing at times what you will hear.”
HBO / Via youtube.com
7. “Be the parent. Don’t be afraid to say no, or set limits. It’s a time for kids to expand their horizons, but kids need to know where the boundaries are and why there are limits.”
Fox
8. “Learn to ask questions. Teens have a lot to say, but a lot of the time, they don’t want to hear your advice. For example, my daughter will come home and say, ‘I was stressed out today.’ Instead of going off on how she doesn’t understand real stress or how it’s not that big a deal or she needs to learn to relax, I’ve learned to just ask a small question to prompt her to talk more. ‘And then what happened?’ is a great way to show you’re interested without laying down judgement.”
Justin Paget / Getty Images
“On the flip side, learn when not to say anything. There are times my teen will be incredibly moody, and our instinct is to fire back when they’re being lame. But just ignoring it, saying nothing, and just moving on is often the best bet. But…
Draw definite boundaries. There are certain non-negotiables that you must establish as a parent. When they cross that line, you have to stop them as soon as possible. Don’t let things just slide one time or be inconsistent about it, because they will take full advantage of you.”
—u/HalluxValgus
9. “Be open, don’t make your kids keep secrets. Strict parents make sneaky kids.”
NBC
“That’s for sure. I learned what parts of the stairs and floors made noise. I learned to open and close doors very quietly. I learned who was in the house and their mood based on footsteps.”
10. “What took me by surprise with both of my boys was their level of anxiety and withdrawal. They were such gregarious, carefree kids, and it changed quickly around seventh grade. I don’t feel like I handled that very well, and I wish I could have done it better. And by doing it better, I mean creating a healthier environment for two-way communication. I would have asked them routinely, ‘Is there anything you want to talk about?’ and then SHUT UP and listened, with compassion and without judgment.”
Paramount Pictures
—u/deleted
11. “Others have good comments, but I’ll add. Hug them as much as they will let you and tell them you love them even more. I have two college-aged girls. They will go through things that you will never hear about. Some of it may be really disastrous to their life. You showing your love always gives them a home base to put their heads.”
Disney Pixar
—u/rroberts3439
12. “Buy more food. Whatever amount you’re thinking, that’s not enough. Teenagers, boys in particular, but all teenagers in general, are bottomless pits in how much food they can put away. Especially so if they play any physical sport. I have seen posts where a teenager puts away a full bag of 50 pizza rolls and then asks what’s for dinner. That is not an exaggeration; I was a teenage boy years ago, and can confirm this is accurate. They are growing, using their energy, and are voraciously hungry.”
Jackmalipan / Getty Images
13. “Along this vein, if you have girls and boys, PLEASE try not to police what your girls are eating while encouraging your boys to eat because they’re ‘growing boys.’ Teenage girls are growing too. I know this may seem like a no-brainer, but a lot of people don’t even realize they’re doing it…but the girls will, and they’ll never forget it. There is no need to comment on their food intake unless you truly think it’s unhealthy.”
Sturti / Getty Images
—u/MissAcedia
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14. “You are not your child’s friend. You have to enforce limits even if they ‘hate you’ for it.”
Universal Pictures
15. “Lead with love and limit and monitor social media/technology access.”
Richard Drury / Getty Images
16. “Make sure to always buy him the best gaming PC available as well as the newest games. This way, you won’t have to worry about girlfriends/sex/drugs. The downside is that you have to worry a lot more about his grades and hygiene! Jokes aside, PLEASE KNOCK AND WAIT before you enter his room. Thank you.”
Annastills / Getty Images
—u/Phiced
17. “Positive reinforcement. When you catch them doing something right, let them know.”
Disney Channel
18. “Don’t stop hugging and kissing him, and telling him you love him. This is the age when a lot of people stop showing their boys physical affection. They need it, even if they complain. And men who are touch-starved inevitably have a weird relationship with sex, affection, and women.”
Maskot / Getty Images
—u/deleted
19. “My friend’s mum told her this, and I will never forget it: no matter where you are, no matter what time of day, no matter if you are drunk or high or otherwise, you can always call me to come and get you and you will never be in trouble. We were always pretty safe, but we knew if we ever found trouble, we always had a safe person to call who would come get us.”
Alfsnaiper / Getty Images
—u/ash_a_leigh
“I second this. But follow it up with: no questions asked. My son did call me once at 4 a.m. to come get him from a sleepover, and I was so glad.”
20. “I talked to my kids upfront, candidly, about smoking, drugs, drinking, birth control/safe sex, and many other subjects. I found they were more comfortable during those discussions if we were riding in the car, because they didn’t have to look at me. We didn’t go for a ride specifically to have a conversation, but I’d bring things up in the car depending on what was happening in their lives.”
Catherine Falls Commercial / Getty Images
—u/BSB8728
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21. “Hug them and tell them that you love them every single day! My father did neither my entire life; I wasn’t going to do the same to my sons. They would roll their eyes and not hug back during that super-fun age from 13 to 19 years. Now that I’m old, my friends and family are always amazed that my sons come over to me to hug me and tell me that they love me. They do the same thing with their sons.”
Fg Trade Latin / Getty Images
—u/Brimish
22. “Your kid is going to do the stupid thing you told them 100 times not to do. Don’t send nudes? They’ll do it. Don’t drink underage? They’ll do it. Don’t put your joystick in the hot tub jet? They’ll do it. Have a plan in place for how to handle it when it happens. WHEN, not if. Plan for the worst-case scenario.”
NBC
23. “They are their own separate person. Don’t try to live vicariously through them. Support accordingly and try to minimize judgmental comments.”
NBC
24. And finally: “Talk to your kids like they’re grown-ups about things like drugs, sex, and fuck-ups they make. I feel like so many parents just don’t communicate with their kids about hard things. Defend your kid from family and friends when it comes to their appearance or choices. Don’t let an uncle shame them for their choice to wear all black or play with stuffed animals or whatever. Your kid will fuck up. Be a safe person to get in trouble with.”
Pop TV / CBC Television
If you have any advice of your own about raising teenagers, feel free to dish all your best tidbits in the comments! Or, feel free to use the anonymous form below.
Please note: some comments have been edited for length and/or clarity.
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