Where did you grow up?
In Pukekohe, my dad was a market gardener, and mum owned a takeaway. As a kid, I used to thin lettuce, grade and wash carrots. When I was 10, I helped in the takeaway – it was slave labour. After I graduated at Waikato Uni I went to Japan and taught English for nearly two years. Most Chinese went to Auckland or Otago to become doctors, dentists and accountants, but I broke the norm.
How did you meet your husband?
At school, he was a cheeky s*** and fun. Being the eldest, there was an expectation to have a Chinese boyfriend and marry into a Chinese family. I was trying to please my parents, but my mum wasn’t very happy about me marrying into another market garden family because she’s been through the hardship.
How old are you?
I’m turning 59, and my ex is 60.
What was your wedding like?
I was 24, it was a Big Fat Chinese wedding with 100s of guests, the MC was [her ex-husband’s] father’s friend, Richard Prebble – I’d never met him before – it was all for show, really.
You were married for 30 years. Describe your marriage.
I was a market gardener’s wife, very subservient. My ex worked seven days a week; he was a good provider. His family was a successful market gardening family in Pukekohe. I was a teacher for seven years, ran a business, and then I was a fulltime “mummy” at home.
How many children do you have?
At 30, I decided not to have children. Then my mother-in-law had a stroke, and I thought, ‘Who will look after us when we get old? I had IVF, got pregnant with my eldest daughter at 37, and my second at 40.
When did you notice changes in your marriage?
When the kids came along, I became the subservient “model” wife. I was alone with the kids all the time. Ten years ago, when my ex turned 50, there was a shift in our marriage. I felt excluded. I second-guessed everything and thought I was going crazy.
Things between my ex and me came to a head during Covid. There was a lot of contempt, no communication. He blamed my moodiness on menopause. He made up excuses like I was too hot and kept him awake, and needed his own room. Menopause was his “get out of jail card”.
How did this impact your sex life?
The sex stopped; I thought it was because he was working too hard. Things came to a head. I said, “We need to sort out our marriage … We haven’t done ‘it’ in a while. Is there something wrong?” He said, “You turn me off”, and I hit the f***ing roof. It was so insulting. He moved into his mother’s house.
Why didn’t you leave?
Like most women, I’m like, what will I do for money? Who will look after me? Now, I’m on the other side, it’s like, wow, he did me a big favour.
Did you both go to counselling?
He refused, but I did. I realised, “holy s***“, I was a single married woman for 30 years; it wasn’t a real relationship.
What did your psychic reveal?
She said, “he’s got another woman, and he’s looking at houses”. I went “no” and thought bloody amazing he could lead a double life. I went through some emails and found a Harvey Norman invoice, and an alarm bell rang. I thought, why is he spending $16,000 on stuff at his mother’s old farmhouse. I saw the address at the bottom with a Chinese name on it and called my friend, a lawyer. She confirmed it was a woman’s name. I felt sick.
When did you engage with private investigators?
We had just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary, and he gave me a Hermès Birkin handbag. I needed to find out, and sure enough, he wasn’t staying with his mother’s or his sister’s. He was living in an apartment with a woman. I was like, “Who the hell is this? Where did they meet?”
You were divorced in March. Why did you post a video burning your wedding dress on social media?
I had an “untying the knot” party at my friend’s lifestyle block. It was a ceremony to release the past. I invited my friends to bring something they wanted to let go of and throw it into the fire.
I did some research on YouTube, and honestly, some people were extreme: shooting their dresses with machine guns or attaching them to ride-on lawnmowers and dragging them through the mud. My friend Chris put my dress on a wooden frame, and I threw it into the fire like a Frisbee.
It wasn’t about disrespecting anyone; it wasn’t as if I had an effigy. It was a celebration of my moving forward with my life.
What advice did your divorce coach give you?
When I found out about my husband, I kept asking myself, “Should I stay or should I go?” Bridgette Jackson, my divorce coach, taught me how to communicate effectively and not react impulsively — especially when sending emails. When you’re angry, it’s easy to fire things off; your mental state is all over the place. You’re emotionally charged, and you can’t make the right decisions.
What happened when you confronted your ex-husband?
He denied it and was defensive. I told him I wanted out of the marriage and said, “I know what you have been up to.” He said, “What do you mean?” When I mentioned the address where he was living, his face dropped, and he confessed. He erupted, then said it was “all my fault”.
What impact did the breakup have on your daughters?
They were beside themselves. It was tough; they didn’t have anything to do with their father for the first few months. There were accusations that I was poisoning the kids, and I was parental alienating. But I wanted them to have a relationship with their father.
Describe the traits of a cheater?
Charming, vain, deceptive.
How difficult was that first Christmas away from your ex-husband and his extended family?
Christmas and New Year are the times divorce coaches get busy. It’s a terrible time, it was just me and the girls. On New Year’s Day, we went to a vineyard on Waiheke. And there he was. With his girlfriend.
The girls freaked out, and I was like “holy s***.“ He was on his phone, so I went to him. I’m a lot taller than him. He looked up – and it was like he’d seen a ghost.
What did you think of your ex’s new partner?
It was Covid, and she was all masked up. My divorce coach taught me not to react, so I (said nothing) while my ex was trying to justify his girlfriend by saying he’d just met her.
When you go through something like this, you blame yourself. It’s like a death; you grieve, but it’s betrayal trauma. You ruminate over everything – should I have done things differently? Maybe I should have been a better wife? Maybe I should have given him more sex?
How supportive was your mother?
She said, “Are you sure?” “Give him another chance?” It’s a Chinese thing; she was worried who would support me. When I told her he had a secret life, she agreed and said the right thing to do was to leave him.
Credit to my ex, he paid for child support, and I got a weekly allowance. We got divorced this year. I could have pushed for more, but my peace and freedom are a lot more valuable than money.
How did the First Wives’ Club come about?
It started in 2021, with a few of us having dinner in Parnell. It wasn’t about us slagging our exes. We support each other, talk about co-parenting and what we’ve been through. It’s like a book club; we have a good laugh. Some men have been divorced for a long time, but they become obsessive and abusive because they don’t have any control anymore. I can look back now and say I’m so much happier. Recently, I changed my driver’s licence back to my maiden name, which is Young. Now, I will be Young forever.
Carolyne Meng-Yee is an Auckland-based investigative journalist who won Best Documentary at the Voyager Media Awards in 2022. She worked for the Herald on Sunday from 2007-2011 and rejoined the Herald in 2016 after working as an award-winning current affairs producer at TVNZ’s 60 Minutes, 20/20 and Sunday.