If you’ve ever read a negotiation book or taken a communication workshop, you’ve likely heard of “mirroring”: subtly copying another person’s body language to build rapport.
They lean in, you lean in. They smile, you smile.
The idea is intuitive. We like people who are similar to us, and physical synchrony signals connection and shared understanding. When done well, mirroring can strengthen relationships and increase trust.
I’ve spent years teaching nonverbal communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business, and the most common mistake I see is mirroring behavior that feels neutral or comfortable to the sender but reads as distant or even hostile to the observer.
Consider crossed arms. For many people, this is simply a resting position. It may signal concentration, reflection, or even that they’re cold. So when someone you’re speaking with crosses their arms, your instinct may be to mirror them.
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But when both people stand there with arms crossed, the dynamic shifts instantly. Instead of connection, you’ve created a visual loop of defensiveness.
You may be mirroring successfully, but you’re amplifying the wrong signal. The result is an awkward, colder, more guarded interaction, often without either person realizing why.
The ‘Visual Check’ tool
To avoid blind mirroring, I recommend a simple habit I like to call the Visual Check. In high-stakes situations (a salary negotiation, performance feedback, or an important client conversation), don’t just ask yourself: Am I mirroring them?
Instead ask: Does what I’m mirroring visually read as closed or defensive?
If it does,
- Break the mirror. Don’t copy the defensive gesture.
- Reset to openness. Drop your arms and relax your shoulders. If you’re seated, place your hands visibly on the table or on your lap.
- Invite the shift. Often, when you adopt a more open posture, the other person will unconsciously follow your lead.
We spend a lot of time focusing on the lyrics of communication or the words we choose to persuade or explain. But nonverbal communication is the music. If the music sounds defensive or closed off, people stop listening to the lyrics.
To be a truly intentional communicator, you must move beyond simple mimicry. Steer clear of gestures that optically undermine your warmth and presence. Instead of blindly following your partner into a defensive crouch, lead them back to an open, relaxed posture that builds true connection.
Matt Abrahams is a leading expert in communication with decades of experience as an educator, author, podcast host, and coach. As a Lecturer in Organizational Behavior at Stanford University’s Graduate School of Business, he teaches popular classes in strategic communication and effective virtual presenting. He is also the author of “Think Faster, Talk Smarter: How to Speak Successfully When You’re Put on the Spot.”
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