In her new book “The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans,” Aliza Pressman outlines how parents can raise resilient kids. Pressman is a developmental psychologist and co-founder of the Mount Sinai Parenting Center.
One key step is self-regulation, or the ability to respond to experiences in a way that is socially acceptable.
“A primary way infants and children learn self-regulation is through co-regulation, which involves various types of responses, like a warm presence, an acknowledgment of distress, and a calming tone of voice, as well as modeling our own process of calming ourselves down,” she says.
Gentle parenting calls for caretakers to do this in lieu of scolding an upset or frustrated child.
“By sharing our sense of calm with our kids, we slowly teach them how to regulate on their own when they sense a possible threat,” she says.
By sharing our sense of calm with our kids, we slowly teach them how to regulate on their own when they sense a possible threat
Aliza Pressman
developmental psychologist
Some parents mistake co-regulation for faking happiness, Pressman says, because they believe kids can’t handle watching their caretaker be upset or frustrated. However, this can undermine the purpose of co-regulating, which is to show your kids that even when you have difficult emotions, you can stay calm.
“Children can handle our feelings — our whole range of feelings — as long as they understand that we know how to handle our feelings, that they don’t need to help us manage our feelings, and that regardless of our mental states we always love them and are able to also take care of them,” Pressman says.
Instead of burying your feelings, talk them through with your child.
“You can try narrating what’s going on for you as you shift into the present by saying something like, ‘I’m so annoyed right now it’s challenging for me to focus on what I’m doing. Let me take a deep breath and see if I can get myself back to being able to pay attention to what I’m doing here,'” Pressman says.
This doesn’t mean you’re sharing every thought in your head, she adds: “It means you’re going to pay attention to your own feelings and experiences, so you don’t inadvertently project them onto your kids.”
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