Asking questions
Perhaps the most damaging dynamic on a leadership team is the inability to raise and discuss tough issues together. I’ve worked with executive leaders for over 25 years, yet I’m still shocked when they try to sweep issues under the rug in the hope they will miraculously go away on their own. They never do. Things always get worse. And the organization’s performance always suffers.
It shouldn’t shock me. It’s human nature. Most leaders know it’s a bad idea to leave issues unaddressed, yet many still do it. Why? The answer is loss aversion bias. In essence, people are more motivated to avoid discomfort today than they are to reap a potential gain tomorrow.
Most of my career has been dedicated to helping professionals overcome the loss aversion bias and take smart risks. That usually entails helping them have tough conversations. One theorist I’ve leaned on heavily in devising support strategies for clients is Chris Argyris, a path-breaking organizational behavior professor from Harvard. One of his great insights is that there’s a gap between what people think and what they say. And that gap risks damaging relationships, performance, and learning.
Unfortunately, despite his brilliance, I’ve often found translating Argyris’s thinking and writing to be difficult. Even his mainstream articles in Harvard Business Review are tough to follow. More than once I’ve shared them with clients only to get blank stares in response.
This is why I find Jeff Wetzler’s new book, Ask: Tap Into the Hidden Wisdom of Those Around You, to be so valuable. A former colleague of Argyris’s who knows his theories intimately, Wetzler builds on those theories and makes them more approachable. In doing so, Wetzler has done the business world a huge service. Dozens of times over the years I’ve wished that I had a book like this to share with clients. It’s grounded in a deep theory base, but also filled with easy to understand and practical tools.
We don’t really know what’s on other people’s minds and they’re unlikely to tell us.
Wetzler opens the book by framing the problem: People don’t share what’s on their mind. There are a few reasons for this. They (1) are worried about the impact of sharing, (2) can’t find the right words, (3) lack the time or energy and/or (4) think others are not truly interested. We end up spending time with people who have critical information that could strengthen our relationships and improve our performance and yet we never get it. The solution is to ask them of course, however that comes with its own challenges. What if I make them feel uncomfortable? What if they lie to me? Or worse, what if they tell me something I don’t want to hear? The rest of the book focuses on these fears and how to mitigate them.
The Ask approach
The core chapters of the book detail the five elements of the ask approach. The first is choose curiosity and focuses on strategies to loosen our grip on our opinions so that we can truly hear another. The second is making the space safe for people to tell you hard things. The third entails approaches to pose better questions that have a higher likelihood of opening people up and getting you the information you need. The fourth focuses on specific tips for listening to deepen your understanding of the other person and the issues at play. The fifth element, reflection and reconnection, explores approaches for turning your insights into action. The final chapters discuss the concept of mastery and the positive impact of practicing this framework. Every chapter is filled with excellent tools which alone are worth the price of purchase.
At a time when attention spans are getting shorter, information is getting briefer, and connections are getting shallower, Wetzler’s book is a refreshing roadmap for reconnecting with each other. I’ve seen firsthand how those who develop the muscles he lays out not only find more success in business, but also find more satisfaction in life.