Wooden blocks with “CANCEL” text of concept.
gettyMost people are well-intentioned and want to be better allies, yet they are also humans who make mistakes. Hopeful allies will most certainly make mistakes along the journey to becoming an ally. By definition, allyship requires taking risks on someone else’s behalf. These risks can result in a conflict between intent and impact, where the actions may have seemed helpful to the ally, but not to the intended receiver.
In today’s cancel-culture climate, the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing as an ally often prevents people from engaging in allyship. Rather than avoid the work out of fear, would-be allies can avoid three key pitfalls:
- Making it about you
- Speaking vs. listening
- Assuming answers
Making It About You
Allies park their egos and make the work about others. Rarely do true allies self-proclaim to be allies; they realize allyship is recognized in the eye of the beholder. Centuries of inequality will not be solved through swift, short-term actions. Allyship is a long game; it requires patience and selflessness.
To avoid making it about you as an ally, first consider what support looks like for the other person. It’s less about the golden rule of treating someone how you want to be treated and more like the platinum rule of treating someone how they want to be treated. When in doubt, ask the question, “What does support look like for you?” and be curious to learn from the audience before jumping in with your own solutions.
Speaking Versus Listening
Allies listen more than they speak. They ask curious questions that they do not know the answers to and listen to challenge their existing assumptions. A true test of allyship is having what bridging expert Monica Guzman calls “I never thought of it that way” moments. These are small epiphanies allies often have in conversations with people who are different from themselves.
One helpful approach to ensuring active listening as an ally is to reflect on the conversations you have. What percentage of the time are you listening versus speaking? In a genuine allyship relationship, listening should be closer to 60%, while the remaining balance should include asking questions with minimal assertions.
Assuming Answers
Allies know they are not the ones who know how to solve complex systemic problems. Lacking the lived experience and often full context of the problem, allies realize they need to learn first before being able to help fully solve the problem. Rather than jumping in with solutions, allies pause and gather information first. They search for reputable resources and ask trusted friends and colleagues before making recommendations.
In a recent allyship program I facilitated, one of the well-intentioned male allies in the program introduced himself to a group of women leaders he did not know, self-proclaiming to be an ally, asking them how he could support them. While he had had good intentions, the group of women looked at him wild-eyed and managed an awkward chuckle before stammering a “thank you” in response. He didn’t understand what he had done wrong. If he had been curious to learn more about them before claiming to be an ally, that offer might have landed better.
To avoid cancellation, allies must apologize, understand that impact matters more than intent and take full responsibility for their actions. Allyship is a bumble-and-stumble adventure. It requires personal risk taking and courage. The reward is a more inclusive place for all humans to thrive and do their best.