The psychology behind the five types of stalker and how to best deal with them

The streaming series Baby Reindeer has been in the news a lot this year, most recently for scooping a bunch of Emmy Awards.

If you haven’t seen the Netflix smash hit, it’s intense. It’s one person’s story of being stalked over several years, inspired by the real-life experience of series creator and star Richard Gadd.

Although certain elements of the program are now in dispute, the show does effectively demonstrate how insidious the day-to-day effects of stalking can be on a victim.

As Rosemary Purcell, a pioneer of stalking research and professor of mental health at the University of Melbourne, puts it:

So what makes a stalker? And what should you do — and definitely not do — if you suspect you are being pursued by one?

The nature of stalking

According to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, one in five women and at least one in 15 men have experienced stalking since the age of 15.

Stalking is a pattern of unwanted behaviours designed to cause fear or distress and is a crime.

But apart from potential physical harms, stalking can also take a toll on someone’s mental health. 

Victims can feel constantly on edge and describe a feeling of “looming vulnerability”, Dr Purcell says.

“That sense of just your whole life being invaded and intruded upon that you can’t walk out the door potentially, that you’re checking out the window. Is she there? Is he there?”

The distressing experience of being stalked may overwhelm the victim, affecting their ability to work or keep up social relationships, she adds.

Five types of stalkers

Much of the earliest research into the psychology of stalking was conducted during the 1980s and ’90s in Los Angeles, where many celebrities were being stalked.

But in the decades that followed, game-changing research on perpetrators and victims was carried out in Melbourne at Monash University.

A team involving Dr Purcell — then a PhD student collaborating with her supervisors, psychiatrists Paul Mullen and Michele Pathé — developed the first evidence-based classification for stalkers describing five main types.

The “rejected stalker” is the most common type of stalker. They harass a victim in the context of a relationship breakdown. They are usually former romantic partners but can be former friends or even family members who’ve become estranged. The most physically dangerous type of stalker is the rejected ex-partner.

The “intimacy seeker” stalks people that they delusionally think are interested in them. Most celebrity stalkers fall into this type, believing the object of their desire is in love with them, or will eventually fall for them if they are pursued for long enough.

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The “incompetent suitor” is attracted to their victim but has no delusions about how their victim feels about them. The problem is they lack the social skills to court their victim, so end up harassing and stalking them instead. 

The “resentful stalker” is often seen in workplaces. These stalkers have a grievance and feel they have been somehow mistreated or unjustly treated, so are out for revenge.

The “predatory stalker” is the least common type of stalker. They almost exclusively target strangers or acquaintances. For the most part, this is a prelude to assaulting them, usually sexually.

There’s no one explanation for why people stalk, Dr Purcell says. For some, like the intimacy seeker, mental illness may play an important role. Others may have a personality disorder. Past experiences, including trauma, can also influence stalker behaviour.

Lindsay’s story

Lindsay* is a child- and adolescent psychiatrist who knows the impact of stalking professionally and personally.

Numerous surveys report about one in five psychiatrists have been stalked by a patient.

Lindsay suggests this is sometimes because they care for and show empathy towards socially isolated patients.

“There is a tendency sometimes for that to be misconstrued.”

While training as a junior doctor in a mental health care unit, Lindsay was involved in caring for a long-term inpatient, Susie*.

Lindsay would ask Susie about her medication, her symptoms, and generally how she was going, and got to know her quite well.

But after Susie left the unit, her behaviour turned worrying.

The first thing she did was get a hold of Lindsay’s phone number. Lindsay has no idea how.

“She started to leave long voicemails and then that progressed to turning up in unexpected locations and then kind of consistently every day staying in a particular area where I might be frequenting,” Lindsay says.

When empathy is a problem

Lindsay couldn’t help feeling sorry for Susie and wanted to avoid going to police.

“She was a person with a mental health condition that wasn’t getting treatment for her stalking behaviour,” Lindsay says.

“I did not want to criminalise something that was maybe due to her own vulnerabilities.”

Although Lindsay reported Susie’s behaviour to her bosses at the health service, little action was taken initially.

Lindsay continued to put up with the situation, all the time feeling a sense of guilt and responsibility for her patient, for around six months.

It wasn’t until Lindsay changed her phone number and put more pressure on her employer to take action that the behaviour stopped.

Thinking back, Lindsay recalls not wanting to make her patient feel bad.

“I wanted to resolve it nicely … I didn’t want to cause that person to feel more shame,” she says.

How to deal with a stalker

While you might be tempted to try negotiating with a stalker, this is not advised.

“Many victims just hope that this person will get the message, that they’ll understand that they’re not interested in them and give up,” Dr Purcell says.

She says beyond an initial message asking the stalker to stop, it’s good to avoid engagement.

And this goes for showing pity too.

Continuing to feel sorry for someone who is pursuing a relationship with you, as Lindsay initially did, is a “red flag”, Dr Purcell warns.

“We often think of stalkers as being aggressive, narcissistic, angry people, but actually the really damaging behaviours to watch out for are where we pity someone, because stalkers are very adept at eliciting that kind of response.”

If a person makes you pity them, Dr Purcell recommends asking yourself why you feel that way. If it doesn’t feel like a healthy way of interacting then it’s probably time to pull back.

“I think absolutely the default is sympathy, but where you feel, ‘I’m uneasy and queasy here’, that’s the sign to trust yourself.”

A final tip is to make sure to collect any evidence of the stalking.

“It can be text messages, voicemail, if they’ve been sending you so-called gifts, hold onto all of that because it can be useful for a future prosecution,” Dr Purcell advises.

When to take further action

While some unwanted approaches might just go on for a couple of days, most stalkers are in it for the long haul.

“If the behaviour continues for more than two weeks, the likelihood is it will continue for months and sadly, in some cases, years,” Dr Purcell says.

It usually takes some form of legal or medical intervention to stop a serious stalker.

Unfortunately, though, most stalkers don’t know they’re doing anything wrong, so they are unlikely to seek medical help themselves, Dr Purcell says.

Only once convicted of stalking could they be required to get psychiatric treatment or counselling.

So all a victim can do is present the police with evidence and ask if the pursuer can be charged with stalking.

They might have more success getting a charge if they take out a restraining order first, Dr Purcell suggests, because if the stalker breaches it, they are more likely to be charged.

*Names changed to protect their identity.

Listen to the full episode The five types of stalker and how to spot them on ABC Listen and subscribe to All in the Mind to explore other topics on the mind, brain and behaviour.