Dear Readers: On Sept. 23, I published two letters from older adults struggling to find a connection (“Still Grieving” and “Wants a Connection”).
I asked those of you who have successfully found friendship and romantic partnership at a later stage in life to write in.
I shared some of those great responses last week and, as promised, some more today.
In 2023, United States Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, MD, released a Surgeon General Advisory on what he termed “the public health crisis of loneliness, isolation, and lack of connection in our country.” Even before the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, he said, approximately half of U.S. adults reported experiencing measurable levels of loneliness.
You’re not alone. But there are solutions in the letters below and also in the wonderful new book “Party of One: Be Your Own Best Life Partner” by Meghan Keane, the founder and producer of NPR’s “Life Kit.” It has practical and witty guidance for people of every age and stage of life.
Dear Eric: After being widowed at 48 after a 28-year marriage, it did take me a bit of time to go through a grief process and reconnect.
One conclusion I came to for me was: Divorced people need divorced people, and widowed people need other widowed people.
Then I discovered that a good connection was someone already “in my circle”: My close woman friend passed away and I ended up marrying her husband, whom I had not known when I knew her.
Common interests brought us together and our common memories and familiarity with our community gave us much to build on. We married after getting to know each other over 2½ years and have already had eight wonderful years together in this new chapter.
– Find Your People
Dear Find Your People: I’m so glad you found this new love. I think your point about finding those who can share and help us process life challenges is apt.
Dear Eric: I personally think most adults are insincere, self-absorbed, backstabbing, two-faced jerks, but people who do volunteer work tend to be among the most genuine, compassionate, loving and lovable people I’ve met. Plus, wherever one volunteers, they’ll likely encounter others with similar passions and interests, so there’s a built-in commonality.
– Giving Back
Dear Giving Back: Wow, this took a turn, didn’t it?
While I don’t hold as low an opinion of people in general, we share the love of volunteer work. And it can introduce you to people who care about the things you care about and are working toward a vision of the world that aligns with your views.
Dear Eric: When a non-LDS friend moved to Salt Lake City and was looking to meet his neighbors without joining the church, I recommended he visit and join a Toastmasters club. He did and made many positive contacts.
As an international communication and leadership organization with clubs all over the world, Toastmasters weekly or bi-weekly club meetings welcome guests, enjoy hearing the stories or experiences of others and give people an opportunity to mentor and befriend others. Writing and practicing speeches has the added benefit of keeping someone’s brain active and looking forward not backward.
– Toastmasters Member
Dear Toastmasters: I love Toastmasters and any opportunity to build the capacity for communication and storytelling.
Dear Eric: I joined two groups related to two of the things that most interested me: politics and writing.
At the writers group, I met another woman with whom I seemed to have nothing whatsoever in common except a pulse and an interest in writing – but one conversation after another happened and somehow or other, we were soon the closest of friends. We still are.
At the online discussion group, I began having conversations with one particular man. That led to exchanging phone numbers, which led to long calls, which led to FaceTime calls, which led to visits, which led to a loving relationship.
I didn’t join either activity with the goal of meeting anyone. I joined with the goal of pursuing interests in which I was already interested.
– Happy Byproduct
Dear Happy: Yes! The most important thing is following your interests and joys.
Dear Eric: My wife and I retired and moved to a small town. I needed to find a pool as I swim daily. I signed up at the only pool in town, the local YMCA.
It takes a bit of time, but you start talking to the people around you and who you see every day. We now have so many friends that we met at the Y, it’s as if we grew up in this town.
– Swim Meet
Dear Swim Meet: A great result. Physical activity at the gym, a Y, or a senior center, even if one doesn’t exercise, can bring about so many social connections.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.