How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 30-year-old woman, and I want to ask a woman I know through work out on a date. I don’t think this will be a big deal; we’ve met a few times outside of work, and I’ve thought we clicked.
But I think she might be transgender. I obviously don’t KNOW that because there’s no way I would, but her voice and some of her facial features suggest to me that might be the case. If it doesn’t come up at all on a date, then no big deal, but I’m slightly nervous about what to say in the event that she mentions something to that effect. I don’t want to say something that comes off as dismissive (“Oh, OK,” “Cool,” or something like that). I also don’t want to sound like I’m trying to date her because I think she’s transgender, because I’m not. I also don’t feel like it’s appropriate to ask her questions about her transition. I don’t want to be intrusive about something so personal. I know intellectually I’m probably overthinking this, but I was hoping for some advice on how to act and what to say without seeming like a creep or an asshole.
—I’m OK You’re Trans (But In a Normal Way)
Dear How to Do It,
No, the implications of your sign-off are denied. This is not normal. You have gotten at least three massive steps ahead of yourself, and you’re failing to look at this woman as a person. Whether she’s cis, trans, or intersex, spare her this unnecessary drama.
Devote your energies to considering why you’re so concerned about whether she’s trans or not, why you’re assuming she would want to hear something other than efficient acknowledgement of what she’s disclosed, and why you’re afraid she might feel you’re objectifying her in the sense of wanting to date her because she is (at least in the multi-layered assumption adventure you’ve embarked upon) trans.
Lots of people with various atypical aspects to their bodies or backgrounds want to be able to disclose whatever that is and move on to showing the rest of who they are as a person, and getting to know you as a person. In those cases, “OK,” “Cool,” or maybe a “Are there parts of that you want to tell me more about?” are all that is required. There’s an often overlapping group that we can call “folks whose personal specifics frequently cause extreme reactions from others, which can put them in actual physical danger or on a special little pedestal—and sometimes, terrifyingly, both at the same time,” and those folks tend to notice if you start falling all over yourself as you try to engineer some exactly right response. At the same time, some people absolutely do want their disclosures to be greeted with significant positive reinforcement.
The point here is that they’re all individuals, and you’ll be best off approaching every single first date with the goal of paying attention to the person in front of you and treating them the way you would treat any other human. For instance, take your impetus to avoid questions about bottom surgery. We don’t usually ask people about their genitals until we’re clearly headed toward having sex. Once we’re about to have sex or are having sex, though, it becomes nonfunctional to avoid asking certain questions, such as how they like to be touched. And part of a relationship developing requires sharing, hearing, and inquiring about personal details, so things that are inappropriate to ask about during the first few dates become inappropriate to ignore as something gets more serious.
If you’re generally this anxious, it might help to talk to someone. But the way you’re overthinking her potentially being trans right now means you’re treating her differently because of that detail, and that’s the core of what you seem to want to avoid (and, you know, what should be avoided).
—Jessica
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