We want our boys to be happy and confident. We also want boys to be kind and respectful to girls. And yet, Sarah Ockwell-Smith — the bestselling childcare expert often credited as being the founder of the gentle parenting movement — says we still treat boys more harshly than girls. Practically from birth, she says, we talk to them less, hold them less and often raise them to believe that being soft and sensitive is unmanly and weak, even if we don’t intend to. Then we blame adolescents for being sucked in by misogynist influencers.
But toxic masculinity doesn’t only hurt women and girls — it hurts boys too, says Ockwell-Smith, a mother of four young adults, three of them men. She notes that a leading cause of death among boys aged 10-19 is suicide. And the State of Child Health in the UK 2020 report by the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health (RCPCH) found that males aged 15-24 are three times as likely to take their own life as their female peers are.
Change starts with how adults treat boys. Ockwell-Smith believes we need to improve how we nurture our sons, being as focused on helping them to develop emotional literacy as we are with our daughters. In her new book, How to Raise a Gentle Man (Little Brown, £16.99), she explains what parents need to do. Here is her advice.
Celebrate boys’ gentleness
We need to teach boys to respect and accept themselves, Ockwell-Smith says. “Encourage your little boy or teen that he can be whatever he wants to be, he can like whatever he likes. You don’t have to do masculinity a certain way.”
Ultimately parents need to show sons that we love and accept whoever they are. When Ockwell-Smith’s sons were small they wore nail varnish and dresses and played with dolls — they also played with dinosaurs, cars and trains. We still have a fear that anything stereotypically feminine will emasculate them, she says. Boys are not the problem — adults teaching boys to be ashamed of their gentleness, swallow their feelings and “man up” is the problem.
Don’t parent them more harshly than girls
Many parents attribute a boy’s rowdy behaviour to testosterone or the mere fact he’s male, Ockwell-Smith says. “I run a workshop for parents about behaviour and discipline — invariably one talks about ‘testosterone surges’ to me. There’s no such thing as a testosterone surge in prepubertal boys.”
If a girl is misbehaving, she says, we’re more likely to ask what’s wrong. And our approach to boys? “‘Time out.’ But they don’t have different feelings to girls.” Research shows that boys are parented more harshly and spoken to less, using less emotional vocabulary. They’re also more likely to be smacked.
Ockwell-Smith encourages parents to use “mindful discipline” — not hurting them physically or emotionally. Instead, she says, “Approach them with curiosity and the idea of, I’d like to support you through this.” That may mean giving them a hug or waiting close by for them to calm down. What situation or emotion drove them to this behaviour? Try to establish that by talking together when they’re calmer.
Forget ‘brave little soldiers’ — let them be sad, fearful, anxious
The pressure on boys to “man up” starts early. “Someone will call him a ‘brave little soldier’ when he has his heel prick test as a newborn,” Ockwell-Smith says. She cites research that found that 94 per cent of parents thought it was important for their sons to be “emotionally strong”. “What ‘be strong’ means is, ‘Be silent, don’t show how you’re feeling.’”
Chat with your son about emotions. If he’s a teenager holed up in his bedroom, do this by text if it is easier. “Normalise talking about how you feel. Have conversations aloud with yourself — ‘I’m feeling a bit sad because X, Y or Z.’”
Ockwell-Smith is a fan of “pre-apologising”: “‘I’m feeling stressed — if I’m snappy later on, I apologise, it’s me not you.’ It helps boys realise that it’s OK if they wake up and feel grumpy — and that they can talk about it.”
Show empathy (it will protect against toxic masculinity)
Adults rail against misogynistic teens radicalised by the manosphere and ignore the main cause — that “boys aren’t raised with as much empathy as girls”, Ockwell-Smith says. Boys need to learn that “the real masculine strengths are courage, compassion and character”.
Encouraging boys to reflect on their behaviour is vital. “Teach them to critically assess their behaviour, language and attitudes towards women and girls. Use real-life situations, news stories or examples from their own life to spark thoughtful discussions.” At the supermarket, for example, when buying razors a mother might say, “Oh, look — the ones for women are twice as expensive.”
“It’s about organic opportunities,” Ockwell-Smith says. It’s not about giving them a big lecture, it’s an ongoing conversation.
Fathers, don’t be embarrassed to cry at your favourite film
For men who are raising a son, it can be hard to try to teach him to be authentic when you may have had years of experience “manning up”, Ockwell-Smith says. “The next time you go to discipline your son, ask yourself, ‘Would I react differently if he were a girl?’” Male role modelling is critical for boys, “particularly how the men in their lives deal with their feelings”.
To help boys to develop emotional intelligence, show your feelings: cry at a film, be angry — “so long as you show anger in a healthy, non-destructive way”. Help your son to embrace all his emotions; Ockwell-Smith calls this “emo-diversity”. Your honesty shows him that he’s safe to be vulnerable and admit to mistakes — then, “When he feels uncomfortable, the first person he turns to is you and not the internet.”
Mothers, don’t let your sons walk over you
Mothers who are overly lenient with their sons are as sexist as those who are harsh on boys, Ockwell-Smith says. “They’re continuing stereotypes that are harmful to boys — this idea that he should be strong, and women should acquiesce to him.”
When she advocates being gentle with boys and helping them to make sense of their emotions, she doesn’t mean letting them walk all over you. Firmly but kindly establish boundaries on behaviour; help boys to learn to be responsible for their actions and accept criticism. “But then afterwards you can say, ‘OK, you’re really struggling with something, what’s up?’”
Teach your son to be a good friend
Boys with high-quality friendships have higher self-esteem, reduced loneliness and greater life satisfaction than those who struggle with difficult friendships, Ockwell-Smith says. Teach your son to recognise the signs of a positive relationship.
For example, there should be mutual respect, boundaries and safety — meaning he can say no if he doesn’t want to jump off the diving board or drink as a teen and that will be fine. “Explain to them that the fear of being shamed, embarrassed or ignored does not belong in a positive friendship,” she says.