Sorcha asks me how I’m feeling and I tell her I’m in scintillating form – especially after the win over Sale yesterday. I’m half-thinking of doing my joke about having a semi to look forward to – but then I think better of it.
Sorcha’s like, “Oh! My God!”
I’m there, “What?”
She goes, “You were thinking of doing your joke about having a semi to look forward to, weren’t you.”
I’m there, “Couldn’t have been further from my mind, Sorcha. Couldn’t have been further from my literally mind.”
She’s like, “I could see it in your face. That’s what I want to talk to you about. Turn down the music, will you.”
Yeah, no, we’re in the cor on the way into town. We’re going on a – believe it or not – double date with Honor and her new girlfriend, Nicola, to – yeah, no – Gloria Osteria and Sorcha is up to 90.
I’m like, “What’s wrong?”
She goes, “I’m worried about you saying the wrong thing.”
I’m there, “Me? Why would I say the wrong thing?”
She’s like, “Because I’ve known you for most of my life and I know how you always end up putting your foot in it in situations like this.”
I’m there, “Are you still annoyed?”
She goes, “Why would I be annoyed?”
I’m there, “Because Honor told me she was gay six months before she told you.”
She’s like, “I still say you should have told me.”
She’s like, “You’re an over-compensater. And you are so repressed – that’s on account of you going to an all-male rugby school
I’m there, “What can I say? Me and Honor have a bond – that’s since day one.”
“Bond or no bond,” she goes, “I know how awkward you can be in these kind of moments.”
I’m there, “Sorcha, I’m totally relaxed.”
She’s like, “You’re an over-compensater. And you are so repressed – that’s on account of you going to an all-male rugby school.”
I’m there, “Excuse me?”
She goes, “I’ve seen you in action.”
I’m like, “What – and you’re different, are you?”
She goes, “I was the one who had loads of gay friends in UCD, remember?”
I’m there, “Yeah, that was pushing on for 30 years ago, Sorcha. I think it’s time you maybe rested that story?”
She’s like, “And I remember how weird you were around them. You thought they all fancied you.”
I’m there, “They did all fancy me.”
She goes, “Some of them fancied you, Ross – not all of them. So what I’ve done is I told ChatGPT that we were meeting our daughter’s girlfriend for the first time and I asked it what kind of things that we – meaning you – should avoid saying.”
[ Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: We’re driving through Donnybrook and Sorcha shouts ‘Stop!’Opens in new window ]
I’m there, “Sorcha, I don’t need ChatGPT to tell me how to talk to my daughter and the girl she happens to be seeing.”
“So it says keep the conversation light,” she goes, reading it off her phone anyway. “Avoid asking whether the relationship is serious, commenting on your daughter’s girlfriend’s appearance or making awkward jokes about the times when they’re intimate.”
I’m there, “Do you honestly think that’s what I was planning to do?”
She goes, “Don’t say, ‘You’re much nicer than the last girl she dated’. Never refer to her partner as her ‘friend’, as it suggests that you don’t take the relationship seriously. And don’t push traditionally heteronormative relationship milestones on them by asking if they intend to get married or whether they’ve considered future options for having a baby.”
I’m like, “Sorcha, this is me you’re talking to, remember?”
She goes, “Anyway, there’s loads more. I’m going to WhatsApp it to you and if you feel yourself drifting into awkward conversational waters, say that you have to use the bathroom, then read the full article while you’re in there.”
I’m there, “Thanks, Sorcha. I think I’ll be more than fine.”
We pork the cor and walk to the restaurant. The entire way there, she’s still on my case. She’s like, “What are you going to lead with? As in, what’s your opening line going to be?”
I’m there, “I’ve no idea what my opening line is going to be. I thought I might just, I don’t know, play it by ear.”
She goes, “Do not play it by ear, Ross. When has playing it by ear ever worked out for you?”
I’m like, “The quarter-final of the Leinster Schools Senior Cup in 1999.”
She sort of, like, rolls her eyes when she says the word dad – it’s a sort of, like, in-joke between us
She goes, “And no talk about rugby. No one finds it even half as fascinating a subject as you do, Ross.”
We walk the rest of the way there in silence. And I’m going to be honest with you, I end up being a little bit hurt by my wife’s very much lack of faith in me.
We arrive at the restaurant and we end up running into Honor and – yeah, no – Nicola at the coat-check slash mâitre d’ desk. Nicola ends up being gorgeous – and before I end up being accused of misogyny, I don’t mean looks-wise, even though she is gorgeous looks-wise.
We do the whole air-kissing thing and then Honor makes the introductions, as in, “This is my mom” and “This is my dad” and she sort of, like, rolls her eyes when she says the word dad – it’s a sort of, like, in-joke between us.
I’m there, “It’s great to meet you, Nicola. I’ve heard a hell of a lot about you – all good, I’m happy to say.”
It ends up being a real icebreaker.
Nicola laughs and goes, “Honor was worried. She thought this was maybe going to be awkward.”
And that’s when Sorcha says it. She’s like, “It’s definitely not awkward, Nicola. I had, like, loads of gay friends in UCD!”
It ends up going down like a coughing fit at a funeral. Nicola gives her the elevator eyes, then goes, “Well, good for you, Sorcha!”
Before Sorcha can come back at her, Nicola turns to me and goes, “Honor tells me you’re a rugby guy. Were you at the match yesterday?”
I’m like, “Yeah, no, I thought they smashed it out of the ballpork,” and then – my confidence up – I go, “It’s nice to have a semi to look forward to.”
Quick as a flash, she’s like, “I’d say you say that to all the ladies!”
Then she turns and follows our server into the restaurant, leaving the three of us standing there in her wake.
Honor’s like, “So what do you think?”
And I’m there, “I focking love her. She absolutely perfect, Honor. And she’s a hell of a lot nicer than the last girl you went out with.”