Marriage psychologists, divorce lawyers, and therapists all say that struggling romantic relationships have one thing in common: bad communication.
On a recent episode of the podcast “Ten Percent Happier,” host Dan Harris interviewed Charles Duhigg, a journalist and author of the new book “Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection” about why people have such a hard time understanding each other during conversations.
In all discussions we are supposed to do two things, Duhigg told Harris:
- Pay attention to what the other person is trying to talk about.
- Meet them where they are at or ask them to meet us where we’re at.
The reasons couples fail to do this is because they aren’t picking up on what the other person is actually trying to communicate, Duhigg says.
“Two people will be in the same discussion and be having different kinds of conversations,” he says.
And because they are not on the same page, their responses to one another are at best irrelevant and at worst frustrating.
Are you having a practical, emotional, or social conversation?
“The goal of communication is to take an idea in my head and feeling in my head and help you understand it, help you feel it,” Duhigg says.
You can only do that if you both are talking about the same topic. There are three types of conversations people usually have:
- Practical: These are “decision-making” conversations, Duhigg says.
- Emotional: “The goal is not to solve the problem, but simply to tell you how I’m feeling about the problem, see you acknowledge those feelings, and then share with me your feelings,” Duhigg says.
- Social: These talks are about “how we relate to each other and society,” Duhigg says. This could mean chatting about the news or gossiping about friends.
Where couples run into trouble is that they aren’t having the same conversation at the same time.
One person might say, “My sister isn’t helping plan our mom’s birthday party and it’s really annoying me.”
Their partner might interpret that as a “practical” conversation and respond by offering help, where as their partner is actually trying to have an emotional conversation about their family.
This misunderstanding can cause friction or one person to not feel seen or heard.
To avoid this problem, Duhigg says you have to really listen to what the other person is saying. For instance, the word “annoying” probably indicates this is more of an emotional issue than a practical one.
“Training ourselves to pick up on these small, little clues about what kind of conversation is occurring allows us to match that person,” Duhigg says.
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