How To Establish Strong Work Relationships With A Childlike Approach

Many employees hesitate to ask questions, even when they need crucial information. Similarly, executives often prefer to keep their insights closely guarded, sharing only on a need-to-know basis. But this lack of communication can doom initiatives that might have succeeded with just a bit more dialogue.

Whether you’re an employee, a leader or both, by returning to a more natural, open state of curiosity, you can broaden your understanding of situations and have a greater impact on workplace initiatives. So why don’t we use our natural curiosity to improve workplaces, processes and relationships?

Moving From Courage To Fear To Interest

“We start off unafraid to ask; we ask all kinds of questions—four questions a day when we’re four years old,” explains Jeff Wetzler, an expert on adult learning and the author of ASK: Tap into the Hidden Wisdom of People Around You for Unexpected Breakthroughs in Leadership and Life. Unfortunately, he says, we often lose confidence in asking questions as we grow older. Parents might tell us we ask too many questions, and at school we learn to “sit down, shut up, stop asking questions, start giving answers—and by the way, you have to give the right answers.” Conditioning like this can lead us to believe that asking questions is inappropriate and worse, that it could expose us as weak or unprepared by highlighting our ignorance.

If we’re kind people, we learn that asking questions is risky because it can make others uncomfortable. We might also avoid asking questions if we’re afraid to sound critical or judgmental, worry that strong emotions might make our questions come out wrong or suffer from impostor syndrome.

But when we don’t ask questions, others “don’t actually realize we care,” says Wetzler. “They don’t realize that we want to know. They don’t think that we would place any value in what they have to say.” In actuality, people are often just waiting to be asked. “Sometimes people will conclude, ‘They don’t even care what I think—they didn’t even ask me a question!’”

Using Questions To Build Trusting Relationships

If you’re a senior executive, one of your biggest concerns might be that people don’t bring you the truth when it matters. “Because people are not telling us, we actually don’t know what we’re not finding out,” Wetzler explains. “I actually think if leaders had a conscious choice—‘Do you want to find out what their feedback is as to why you’re demotivating your team? Do you want to find out what they actually think is the reason your strategic plan is going to fail, but that you don’t realize? Do you want to find out the way in which you’re totally confusing people?’—I think leaders would say, ‘I want this kind of information.’ But the problem is they don’t know it. They don’t even know that it’s there.”

Nonetheless, says Wetzler, it is possible to create an environment where subordinates feel safe enough to share the truth. Getting people to open up and share their opinions is a learnable skill, and he offers several helpful examples of what effective leaders do:

1. Choose The Right Time And Place: Figuring out what is comfortable for the other person is crucial, whether it’s a lunch meeting or a ride-along. Wetzler advises avoiding the artificial setting of a formal meeting “sitting across the big CEO desk from me.”
2. Practice Reciprocity: “If I want you to open up, I should show my cards first,” says Wetzler. “Especially if there’s a power dynamic in place, people are going to be suspicious about why you’re asking questions. So don’t make them guess—reveal your agenda. And reveal your agenda in ways that demonstrate your own vulnerability by saying, ‘Look, here’s where I’m stuck; here’s what I’m not sure about; here’s what I think I need.’” In the end, “All of those things can make it safer for the other person to share.”
3. Radiate Resilience: Demonstrating that you can handle the truth helps create the psychological safety necessary for people to share their real thoughts, so make even uncomfortable topics discussable. For example, Wetzler suggests that a leader say something like, “Look, if I were in your shoes, I might be frustrated with me right now, and if any of that’s going on for you, I would love to hear that.” This shows that you can handle and appreciate your subordinates’ candor. “It’s fine to say, ‘That’s really hard for me to hear. And I’m so glad you told me as well, because it’s really important for me to know.’”

The real-world “pressure for speed, urgency, get-it-done” often prevents leaders from exercising their natural curiosity. Wetzler recommends that leaders slow down instead of immediately responding or moving on to the next question. “If someone says something to you, don’t assume that this is their full answer to your question,” he says. “Don’t assume that when you ask a question, the first thing they have to say is actually the most important part of their response.” Instead, encourage people to elaborate by prompting them, “That’s interesting. What else? Say more about that. Keep going.” These phrases can draw out valuable information that might otherwise be missed.

The Impact of Modeling Curiosity

Employees should understand that just because your boss doesn’t ask, it doesn’t mean they don’t want to know. Wetzler suggests modeling curiosity for your manager: “If I’m running from back-to-back meetings and moving through work and trying to get a bunch of stuff done, I’m probably less likely to ask people questions than if someone says, ‘Hey, can we go out to coffee?’”

Perhaps surprisingly, leaders also need to feel psychologically safe in relation to their followers, Wetzler points out. By using questions to express interest in what their boss observes and thinks, an employee can help their leader feel more comfortable also asking questions rather than staying silent out of fear of being exposed as weak or vulnerable.

It’s easy to underestimate the power employees have over their leaders, so Wetzler recommends that they seek reciprocity rather than wait for the leader to set the tone. “If someone said to me, ‘Jeff, I’d love to know: What feedback do you have for me?’ it would probably lead me to say, ‘And by the way, what feedback do you have for me as well?’”

By recovering some of our childlike curiosity, asking thoughtful questions and demonstrating sincere interest, both employees and leaders can encourage openness, foster trust and cultivate more effective work relationships.