My husband’s family has a history of alcohol abuse. I need to protect my children.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I need to talk to our children about drinking culture and alcoholism before we visit his family, and I’m at a complete loss. My husband and I are from different countries. We met, married, and are raising our 10- and 12-year-old children in the U.S. We travel frequently to visit my family, but we haven’t seen his family since early 2020—long enough that our kids barely remember them. My husband is worried that time with his parents is growing short, and they want to see the boys. So we’re going this summer, but we know we have to talk to our kids about alcohol first.

My husband’s home country has a complicated cultural relationship with alcohol, and there is a shockingly low life expectancy for men in particular because of alcoholism. I grew up with wine at the family table, and it was legal for older teens and acceptable for younger teens when supervised. As an adult, I drink moderately, and that’s roughly the model we want for our kids. My husband’s upbringing was very different: Although beer was technically off-limits for children, it was always available, with hard alcohol following soon after. Since moving abroad, he has almost completely stopped drinking and now only has the occasional beer.

He considers a few cousins and a brother to be alcoholics, though he would describe his parents and much of his extended family as very heavy drinkers. Many of his uncles and his grandfather died before age 64 from alcohol-related causes. He has also lost a sister and multiple childhood friends for the same reason. To me, that does not feel normal.

I don’t know how to talk to our kids about this. My husband has been catastrophizing about the trip, and he mentioned offhand that our older son will likely be offered drinks by family. That is not acceptable to me—or to him. His relatives tend to give me a pass on my different habits because I’m foreign. But he faces cultural pressure to “be a man” in a specific way, especially because he drinks so little, and our marriage is less traditional than his family expects. I hadn’t realized that this pressure would extend to our sons.

We need to have more than one conversation with our kids about this, but I’m unsure how to begin. It feels like such an “American parenting” approach, and I’m struggling with where to start.

—How to Explain

Dear How To,

Your children are old enough to have a straightforward conversation using many of the details you shared in your letter. Explain to them the cultural differences regarding drinking in your husband’s country and in the States. Talk to them about why it isn’t safe for children and teens to drink, and the importance of responsible drinking when they are old enough to do so.

Let them know that one (or both!) of them may be offered alcohol on your upcoming trip and that they are under no circumstances to try any. Your husband should be honest about the impact that alcoholism has had on some of his loved ones, but he needn’t name the ones who are still living. Longtime readers know that I’m a big fan of the A Kids Book About series, and the installment dedicated to addiction can help guide your discussion about the potential dangers of alcohol for people of any age.

You’ll need to continue talking to your kids about drinking for years to come, beyond what they may experience on this trip. It’s likely an abstract concept now, but it’s very common for teens to begin experimenting with booze in high school. Don’t take for granted that you can teach them the perils of alcohol and expect them to simply abstain—stay on top of them in high school and college, where they may face significant social pressure to indulge before they are legally able and to engage in risky behaviors while inebriated (sex, driving, etc.). As far as your in-laws go, make your stance about your kids not drinking abundantly clear, and stay close to your children at events where alcohol is served.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 9-year-old son, “Luke” likes to play pranks, but recently he pulled one on a kid in his class, “Alex,” that went over the line. Yesterday I received a call from Luke’s school. Apparently, Luke gave Alex a brownie at lunch that he had laced with laxatives, and Alex ended up shitting his pants. He was so embarrassed he cried because the accident happened in class, and now Luke has received a week’s suspension. Luke said he never intended for Alex to shit himself, but still thinks it was funny. He was made to apologize, and he’s been grounded for the next four months. The thing is, Luke’s birthday is coming up at the end of January, and my husband says we should cancel his party to drive the message home. I, of course, don’t condone our son’s actions, but I think this is being overly punitive. Is it?

—Should the Party Be Pooped?

Dear Should the Party,

I’m praying this is a prank letter and that some poor kid didn’t experience this, but here’s my earnest take: Your son does not deserve a birthday party, full stop. What he did was incredibly cruel and created a traumatic memory that may haunt Alex for the rest of his life (or, at the very least, for the remainder of his time in this school). Not only that, but his actions were illegal; if he were an adult, depending on where you live, he could have been charged with a number of infractions, and if Alex had gotten seriously ill, the consequences could have been life-altering for both of them. It’s a wonder he got away with just a week’s suspension; you’re lucky that Luke didn’t get expelled and that Alex’s family isn’t trying to sue you.

Young boys are often able to commit horrific acts against their peers and have them waved off as mere juvenile mischief, but this is serious. You need to be thinking about the type of person you are raising him to be, and allowing him to have a birthday PARTY so soon after such a major offense sends the message that what he did wasn’t a big deal. My kid wouldn’t get a damn thing for their birthday, especially if they still seem to think that what they did was funny. The fact that he still does not take what he did seriously or regret it tells you that he hasn’t learned his lesson. For his special day this year, I would let him pick his favorite home-cooked meal, nothing more. Let him know explicitly that his birthday celebration is being cancelled because of what he did to Alex, and he won’t enjoy anything of the sort until he takes consequences for his actions. I don’t care what he says or does in response to that demand, this upcoming birthday shouldn’t be anything like what he’s used to experiencing.

—Jamilah

More Parenting Advice From Slate

My 9-year-old son is “one of the best behaved” kids in class, never gets in trouble at school, does all his homework and schoolwork, and practices his instrument (though with some prodding). Sounds like a great kid, huh? So why do I feel like he’s being a jerk when he seems to be so uncooperative at home? He won’t help around the house and finds excuses to not do what we (husband and I) ask him to do (“I’ll do it later,” “in a minute,” “after I do this”) ALL. THE. TIME. I’m finding it personally offensive because I feel like he doesn’t care about the family unit. Are we being too strict, or is he an early sociopath?

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