“Hello, lovely to meet you. So, how much do you weigh?”
Don’t worry, you needn’t answer unless you wish to. But you’ll agree it’s a useful reminder of how not to make small talk if you want to succeed socially this Christmas.
You might assume it’s intuitive to avoid highly personal questions when shooting the breeze with a casual acquaintance over a glass of mulled wine. You’d be wrong. Sorry, let me phrase that more charmingly: It’s an interesting point of view, Susan, but you are perhaps mistaken.
Before the pandemic, academics in the US were offered advice on making chit-chat with their students. They were cautioned to steer clear of inquiring after a student’s age, weight or political opinions, and to focus on safer (if less interesting) conversational spaces: “What is your home town?” “Any fun weekend plans?” The kind of thing you learnt in German classes at secondary school, except in English, and without adding: “How do I find the railway station?”
Now, the tables have turned, and it’s the Covid generation of students, who came of age in their bedrooms, that reportedly need help with their small talk.
David Salisbury, assistant professor of geography, environment and sustainability at the University of Richmond in Virginia, told a British newspaper he advises students “to focus on things like learning something about other members of the group, giving credit to the ideas of others, using people’s names initially [and] using eye contact”.
All great pointers. Because who doesn’t love to be greeted with the words: “Hi Sarah, I remember how much you love tractors and there’s certainly some merit in your suggestion that Martians are controlling the government.”
But students can’t be the only ones who could benefit from a refresher in the art of small talk. With the festive season nigh, and with many of our conversations now conducted via emoji, we would all do well to remind ourselves what to say – and what not to – when mingling this December.
Current affairs
Straightforward questions like “Who will you vote for next year: Sir Keir or nobody?” and “Brexit, eh. Was it worth it?” are obvious no-gos. But almost everything is political, polarised and apt to trigger a furious row these days. Seemingly innocuous subjects, like Doctor Who, Christmas, air travel, dogs, traffic calming measures, I’m a Celebrity, cycling, Holly Willoughby, meat and gas hobs have become conversational danger zones.
Best to remain neutral initially (but don’t say Remain – it’s political); ask open-ended questions and feel your way. If you glean that your interlocutor shares your feelings about, say, Suella or second homes, then go for it – but not immediately.
“If you jump into a controversial space before building up a rapport, it’s probably not going to go well,” warns Georgie Nightingall, conversation expert at Trigger Conversations. “When bridging difficult topics, it’s good to be aware that one’s point of view is just that. Coming at it with curiosity and inviting people to share thoughts and feelings is really important.”
Physical appearance
Always a tricky one, but never more so than now. To avoid causing offence, say nothing about the other person’s appearance, unless you’re giving a compliment and your intentions cannot be mistaken.
Are you a woman? Don’t ask this during small talk, but if you are one yourself, you have a small amount of additional leeway here. You may tell another woman you like her dress or haircut, but not her recently Botoxed face.
“Making compliments on things people have actively chosen, like the way they’ve done their hair, is much better than [complimenting] their looks, which they can’t control,” says Nightingall.
As ever, it’s important to read the room. “Making five compliments in a row might be a bit too much, [as might] frontloading with compliments when you haven’t approached that person before.”